Whoomp, hair it is. Bald is beautiful

“New study reveals bald men are smarter, stronger and sexier.”

I’ve known this for a long, long time. Apologies for not telling you sooner, but I didn’t really want to gloat or share my secret.

Upon learning of these bald benefits, a few of you are likely shaking your head, and yelling “Fake News” at your newspaper, computer, or smart phone.

Could you please do me a big favour?

Please scream ‘Fake News about male pattern baldness!” — regardless of your audience or locale — at whatever paper or electronic device you’re reading this on.

Then, drop me an email detailing the reaction and response you get. Disclaimer: If you are fired or jailed, the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation will assume all responsibility.

Anyway, the opening statement about bald guys being smart, strong and sexy is 100 per cent actual factual.

It has to be. I discovered it on Facebook.

As well, my experience over decades of being follically free backs it up.

If you are still reading, let’s go through each of the aforementioned bald bonuses.

Bald men are smarter. Without a doubt, especially in terms of money and time management.

I spend zero on haircuts, hair products or frosted flakes … oops, I mean frosted tips. I invest those savings on things coffee, pizza and the odd beer. (OK, I drink the even beers too.)

And I waste no time combing, curling, drying or trying to get my hair like Justin Trudeau or Donald Trump.

Bald men are stronger. Strength can be defined in a number of ways.

Some people say resisting temptation is a sign of strength. When it comes to hair, being bald removes a lot of temptation and, thus, makes the fortunate automatically stronger. I’m not at all tempted to try a comb over, a high fade or a slick quiff.

As well, the mullet of my youth is gone forever. Our world is a better, kinder place because of that.

And I never, ever have to complain about bad hair days, head lice or high humidity making my hair curl or frizz.

Oh, and for me, Split Enz is the name of an ’80s band!

Bald men are sexier. The top of my head is the most erogenous zone on the planet, so yeah.

Touch the crown of my noggin and I melt. Putty in your hands. Yours to do whatever you wish (be nice, trolls).

I’m really surprised teams of sexologists haven’t asked to study my bald spot. I accept all research grants if any researchers are interested. Cash preferred.

Writing this column, I felt a swell of confidence.

I was bald and beaming, and ready to tackle any challenge.

However, my daughter quickly burst that bubble, deflating my bald ego with a simple question.

“Daddy, could you put my hair in a ponytail?” she asked.

Cue the horror movie slasher sound.

I became overcome with follicular fear.

My reply: “Ahhh … hmmm … Are you sure you want to wear your hair that way?”

Her response was affirmative, and nothing else would do.

I began wrestling with her long locks and she went to daycare with what I dubbed a ponyfail.

Bald men might be smarter, stronger and sexier, but they are completely useless in hairy situations.

“Some people say resisting temptation is a sign of strength. When it comes to hair, being bald removes a lot of temptation and, thus, makes the fortunate automatically stronger.”