Don’t settle for second place

Q

: I’m mid-20s, in a one-year “relationship,” head over heels in love. I can see myself with this woman for the rest of my life.

I’ve had some meaningful relationships before her, but I believe she’s “the one,” my soul mate.

The issue: Her boyfriend of over four years.

She’s repeatedly told me she loves me, we “act” like we’re in a relationship together, we talk and hang out more than she does with him.

Also, they carry very serious baggage – i.e. her having to give up her family if she chooses to be with him long-term.

She doesn’t want that to happen.

Yet she won’t break it off, although she’s fallen in love with someone else (me) who will not force her to decide between a relationship and her family.

This situation doesn’t seem to be changing.

Is it time to back away?

— The Other Boyfriend

A: Yes, back off. You already know where this situation is leading.

He has a hold on her of some kind – perhaps they shared some bond that she’s kept secret from you, or she’s attracted to the “forbidden” nature of their connection.

Meanwhile, her frequently expressed “love” for you is very self-serving. She gets to have a “boyfriend” she can display to her family, while also keeping up a long relationship with someone else.

This isn’t the game you signed on to play. You’re sincere and open. She’s a mystery, since you have no idea what will happen if you just hang on.

Walk away. You’re young and have many opportunities ahead to find a girlfriend who values you alone. Read Ellie Monday to Saturday. Email ellie@thestar.ca. Follow @ellieadvice. Copyright 2017: Ellie T es her Distributed by: Torstar Syndication Services