Give girlfriend time to get over ex

Q : I’m 31, seeing someone for a couple of months. It’s moving fast, we’ve already met each other’s families, and have been very close. I love her and think she could be my lifelong companion.

She’s very close with her exboyfriend, talking to him daily. I’ve had trouble accepting this.

I learned that she had sex with him, following one of our earliest dates.

She’d shared a couple of calendars with him (until I told her to remove it, which she did).

I’ve just discovered that she sends photos of herself trying on clothes in change-rooms (not salacious photos but she’s sending the same ones to both of us).

I’ve asked her to stop talking to and seeing him, so I could feel better about things.

She refuses, saying he’s a close friend.

I’ve tried to compromise. I suggested they chat online but not see each other in person. She wouldn’t agree.

She made me promise to not tell anyone about her having sex with him right after having a date with me.

Am I overreacting? What should I do?

— Heartsick

A: She’s not ready for another relationship.

She may think she is, but she’s not got both her feet and full heart into it.

She still thinks her ex is very important in her life.

Having sex with him right after you started dating is upsetting – but not that surprising.

She was clinging to the past. She’s right to be ashamed and want it kept secret.

But you can’t go forward until she agrees that your relationship must now take precedence.

Since she refuses, I believe you need to call a break. Things moved too fast, she hasn’t disconnected from her ex.

To get back together, she must treat him as an old friend to whom she’s no longer attached, doesn’t seek his opinion/flattery for her clothing, and makes sure he acknowledges that you’re her only boyfriend.

Be clear about these boundaries, or you’ll still be worrying about him in the future.

Q

: My friend was seeing a terrible person: a lying, controlling, jealous fool.

She’s been telling me and her parents that she’s blocked his number and wants to stop seeing him.

Her mother and I believe it’s all lies. I don’t believe she wants to accept the reality of breaking up with him.

I believe it’s because she’s “desperate” to be in a relationship!

Recently, she’s been dealing with some mental health issues (shaking/anxiety, crying for no reason).

She’s been reaching out to me and I’m just not having it.

I asked her to be a member of my bridal party and now I’m unsure if she’s going to be okay (I don’t want to have to call 911 on my big day!)

I feel like I can no longer trust her because of all the past lies!

Am I crazy for feeling like this? I just don’t want to fall for everything she says.

Got any tips on trust issues with friends?

— Doubting Her

A: When your only reaction is to be critical and judgmental, you’re not able to be a true friend.

Her “desperation” about this guy is sad and worrisome, but you only focus on the lies. She reaches out to you, but you’re “not having it.”

Dismissing her from your bridal party because she’s in a toxic relationship seems heartless.

Urge her to see a counsellor, for her sake (not yours).

Tips on trust issues with friends? Listen. Ask leading, helpful questions. Don’t be cruel.

Q

: My father-in-law only feels “loved” when he’s drinking. His kids and grandkids grew up without him, as he was too busy with his drinking friends.

He wastes his money on drinking which is also damaging his health.

His wife raised their two kids and a granddaughter. He couldn’t pick the girl up from school due to being drunk.

I warned my husband about alcohol addiction, which runs in his family.

His father doesn’t want to fight his addiction. How can we help him?

— Upset

A:Help yourselves first, through the lessons learned from his wasted years of drunken distance from those who would’ve loved him.

Stay close and supportive to your husband and any children, and also your long-suffering mother-in-law.

Many families of alcoholics know too well the destructive results of excess drinking.

Your father-in-law’s poor health may be the one factor that can change his addiction, if he gets scared enough. Insist he gets a medical checkup.

TIP OF THE DAY

A rush to a relationship romance may not allow for a real break from a past lover.