Run fast from toxic relationship

Q : We met in college four years ago. His mom was “the other woman” in an affair, his dad’s never been there for them.

He has clinical depression (no meds, he quit therapy) and has had crisis episodes of selfharming after destructive relationships.

One three-year girlfriend, “A,” cut herself at school, screaming publicly that it was his fault.

They fought constantly but couldn’t leave each other.

His then-therapist banned him from seeing her; he got a bit better, and started a new relationship, which didn’t last long because of constant interference from “A.”

I came along soon after he broke up with her. I also tried to leave him due to other girls’ interference but he always finds a way to contact me - showing up at my house, texting me from another number, etc. I always fall back.

Last year, “A” returned, they had counselling to get back together but didn’t. I realized he isn’t going to change.

I have constant anxiety and fear that he’s going to choose her over me. He’s very rude and cruel to his mom, rude to me, and makes me feel stupid and unwanted.

He’s been sexually involved with at least two other women, and I desperately try to be enough for him.

— Lost

A: RUN! Get to a therapist for yourself, not for any further relationship with this disturbed, angry, dangerous person.

Save yourself. He wants to drag you and others down to the mess of his life. You need professional help accepting that you don’t deserve this treatment.

It’s not a relationship. It’s a cruel game of hurting whoever comes close to him.

Be with friends, caring family. If necessary, get a restraining order from police based on his emotional abuse. He’s toxic for you.

Q : I see my close friend of ten years regularly, attended parties at her house, we’ve met each other’s families.

She moved in with her fiance 18 months ago.

We’d discussed having a joint 50th birthday party this summer, but she’d said she’d rather go away with him.

She’d arranged a casual housewarming and birthday party as a low-key alternative. Lately, it’s been hard to get to see her.

She made little effort to meet my new boyfriend. She called but left no message.

Suddenly, her now-husband posted a wedding photo on social media announcing that they’d married the day prior with only immediate family attending.

He reminded everyone of the housewarming party.

She phoned, saying she’d been planning her secret wedding for a while.

She was sorry that I had to learn about it on social media.

I don’t begrudge her marital happiness, or how she wanted to hold her wedding, etc.

But I begrudge her lying to me about these plans (she didn’t apologize) and her unavailability for months.

She admitted that she’d turned down the joint 50th birthday plan, knowing she was getting married instead.

I would’ve understood a small family wedding, not the need to lie.

I’m feeling disappointed, duped. I’m not sure that it’s worth saving this friendship. — Disappointed Friend A: Give this decision some time. Sudden distancing can make you appear envious rather than disappointed in her behaviour.

Attend the housewarming. You don’t have to give a major gift but your long friendship warrants a congratulatory gesture.

Many brides (all ages) get caught up and self-absorbed in their pre-nuptial excitement. She already knows she offended you, which is why she called after his post.

If things don’t return to past closeness over some time, the friendship will drift anyway. Q

: We’re grandparents of a divorced son’s two boys. His ex-wife won’t let us have any contact at all with them. We feel she’s wrong to deprive the young boys from knowing their father’s parents.

We don’t want them to grow up not knowing us. What should we do?

Sad but Loving Grandparents

A: You’re not alone in these kinds of heart-wrenching situations.

Your son should be making sure he has access and contact with his kids, and if not, the reason is important for you to know.

If he is in contact with them, he can give the boys letters and cards from you, have presents from you at his place for them to use, have them call you from his place.

But if this isn’t happening, it’s a particularly poisoned atmosphere and you need to know why.

He should seek legal help for access. If impossible, ask a lawyer about grandparents’ access.

TIP OF THE DAY Constant relationship fear and anxiety is emotionally abusive. Save yourself.