Do the work before leaving for good

Q : I’m at a turning point. One road leads to family life with somebody who was once very gentle and patient but after a car accident, he changed.

Yet he’s faithful, a good helper, and discusses things.

The other road leads to someone deep-thinking, who understands me and reads my mind.

Yet he’s impulsive, a multitasker, and I’m unsure about his faithfulness.

I tend toward the second road. But I fear that if my decision’s wrong, my young kids will be hurt the most.

Should I take the risk?

— Two Choices

A: More choices to consider: Encourage your husband to get help for his post-accident reaction (get a doctor’s check for post-traumatic stress disorder, PTSD).

Help him see that it’s affecting your relationship and your family life.

Even if you eventually split, your kids need their father to be emotionally and mentally healthy.

You could also go to counselling together to work on reconnecting.

Regarding the second man, a warning: Beware someone who says he/she “reads your mind.”

Such people usually tell you what they think you want to hear.

It’s a common approach of smooth-talkers who are actually working towards what they want.

Your own uncertainty about his faithfulness is a red flag from your gut instinct.

Most important, are your concerns about your children. Your worry that you could be making a mistake harmful to them, is also gut instinct.

It’s not a turning point if you take time and refuse any pressure to make a decision.

Instead, get your own counselling before taking worrisome risks.

Q : I’m a married man whose wife isn’t interested in having sex with any regularity.

We’re both successful, career-oriented people, early-30s. We’ve been married for less than a year.

When we were dating and engaged we had sex once or twice weekly. In marriage, it’s been about once a month. Now, it’s been almost two months.

My wife apologizes profusely for lack of interest but that doesn’t translate into desire on her part.

She insists that there’s nothing about me she finds off-putting or unattractive.

She works a lot, so I believe her when she says she’s tired on weeknights. But weekends aren’t that much better.

I’ve been working very hard to never seem disappointed or underserved by her, because I do love her.

I avoid references to masturbation because I don’t want her to feel guilty.

This week, after I tried a move, which was rebuffed, I went into our spare bedroom and dealt with it.

I presented it as my issue, not hers. Yet she seemed very hurt and guilty, and uncomfortable with the whole thing.

I know I can’t make someone want sex more, and I don’t want it as an obligation on her part. How do I deal with this? — Frustrated

A: Deal with it sooner than later, with honesty and openness.

Unless you believe you can continue to live with diminishing sexual contact in your relationship (some do), you need to present this as a couple problem.

Even if she’s perfectly happy and you’re perpetually frustrated it IS a couple problem because you either won’t last together long, or you’ll cheat, or stay in the spare room, and become the “bad” guy.

Nobody’s bad here, but something’s amiss.

Is she overworking to avoid intimacy? Is there something about sex that’s turned her off?

A sex therapist might help you two, but you need to be able to both see this as a problem (without blame) to be faced together.

Q : I have this odd obsession with a hot singer. He seems lovely and down-toearth from his videos.

I’m 40 and happily married but feel like I’m cheating, though I have little chance of meeting him (he’s mostly overseas).

But I still long for him to speak to me. I’ve sent emails and got back smiley faces, maybe from him or his team.

I’ve joined other social media to follow him, as I’m embarrassed if people I know find out. Can you help?

— Obsessed at 40

A: It’s a fantasy crush. You can’t actually reach him – and might be dealt with as a stalker if you persistently try to get close to him.

You’re 40 and frisky in your mind, so sub-consciously chose a “hot” guy.

Perhaps your happy marriage needs a boost of fun, or you’re stuck in routines that need some changes.

Boost your marriage with your active imagination. Bring fantasy home.