Find reasons to be with someone besides loneliness

Q : I’m a 42-year-old man wanting a partner for the rest of my life.

I was married for ten years and have two daughters. My ex and I met when I first came to this country at 22.

She was older and helped me get started. I worked long hours. There wasn’t much time for us together and we grew apart.

Later, when I had a successful business, I met a muchyounger woman (I was 36, and she was 20).

We had a passionate relationship and enjoyed unusual adventures. That stopped when I was involved in a serious car accident and almost lost both my legs.

My wife looked after me. But once I could walk again, she left.

She has a boyfriend her own age and they’re living together.

I now want a partner to grow old together.

I remembered that a woman who’d once worked for me had gotten divorced too. I contacted her because I’d always found her attractive.

We met and the chemistry was still there for me, I think for her too.

So I told her point-blank that I thought we could have a great life together. Her answer shocked me.

She said that I’m “afraid to be alone.”

She said she wouldn’t date me because I’m not really interested in her, but in my own comfort.

Could she be right? Or is this the new psychobabble way of saying she’s just not attracted to me?

— Seeking A Partner

A: It doesn’t take a psychotherapist to come up with her summation, based on your history.

Right or wrong, she’s telling you to not rush to the next relationship based only on your immediate need for companionship.

Years have passed since you last knew her. There’s nothing other than a long-ago attraction that indicates you’re a good match for each other.

She’s also smart enough to tell you that she’s not even going to try.

You’re the one who needs to know yourself better, to recognize what your part was in those past relationships ending, not just the women’s parts, or circumstances that changed.

What are your interests? How do you like to spend time? Concerts or television? Walks or bar scenes, farmers’ markets or take-out, or all of the above?

When you know who you are and what you like, want and need, you can then let another person know. Then it’s time to learn all about her before you attempt a lasting relationship.

TIP OF THE DAY

Know yourself before seeking a relationship; know the other before seeking commitment.