No tricks, just honest change needed
Q : How can I get back together with my ex?
We separated after 15 years together. I didn’t get along with her parents but she often didn’t either.
Then her family did something that excluded me and our younger daughter. (I also have a teenage step-daughter from her previous relationship).
Both daughters have a health issue.
Her getting pregnant again, which I wanted, became an issue because of the possibility of that occurring in another child.
So, I didn’t use protection like I usually did.
She got pregnant, but later said she had a miscarriage.
Then she reached out to all her family and stopped talking to my parents who’d done so much for us.
I left when I discovered a text about her meeting up with another man. As far as I know they didn’t sleep together. She told me that when she saw him, she was just reaching out, and she still loved me.
I know if I suggested getting together now, she’d say no. She’s only civil with me.
I see the kids one day on the weekend, sometimes during the week. I’ve asked to see them more.
Friends say it’s been half a year, too long to keep hoping. I can’t believe that.
I’m just unsure how to get her to open up to me or how long it’ll take.
We mostly only talk about the kids. I’m afraid to ask for more at this time.
But there must be a way – maybe by pushing her away to get her back and miss me?
I even post memories of a year ago or more on Facebook to see if that does anything.
We had a joint account with overdraft that she still uses. I left it alone because of our son living there with her.
She relies on that mostly. Though she works, her income isn’t enough. And my pay isn’t there now.
I need help getting her back. — Desperate
A: I like to think, as you do, that there’s some hope for reconciling when a couple has loved each other over years and especially when they also have children.
But you crossed a no-go line, which makes that hope less likely to happen… though not yet lost.
You purposefully tried to get her pregnant by not using protection, ignoring her fears of having a child with a health issue, that two other daughters have had since birth.
You now need to make it evident to her how sorry you are, and state that you understand how wrong it was.
Raising children with lifetime health problems is an ongoing act of love and devotion that calls for both parents to be committed to their needs through all their years.
Your wanting another child wasn’t enough, especially not by your being deceitful to make it happen.
You denied her the basic maternal right to further discussion and agreement on a complex family situation.
From your much longer letter (too long to print), you seem a loving father trying to return to family life with her.
I hope for you that it happens, but I urge you to do what’s needed.
No tricks like “pushing her away,” no public Facebook outreach.
Instead, a sincere apology regarding the pregnancy, openness about how to regain her trust, compromises on past issues between you (even reconciling with her parents who’ve supported her).
Most important, tell her what you’re willing to do and to change, to prove your love.
Reader’s Commentary Regarding a gay man, 21, worried about coming out to his homophobic parents (Aug. 16):
Reader – “You told him, “Make a choice about coming out to them based on what you can live with, doing the least harm to the fewest people you care about and who care about you.”
“What he can live with is the truth.
“What harm would he be doing by allowing them to love him for who he really is?
“Help him to have faith that being honest with our loved ones is always the best way to live.
“Have faith that his family will love him even more once they have a chance to really know who he is.
“Trust them to do the right and loving thing.”
Ellie – Having told him to “speak up and acknowledge who you are,” and having detailed his strengths and goals, I was encouraging him to tell his parents, as you are.
TIP OF THE DAY
How to win back your ex? There’s more chance by showing willingness to make needed changes.