Time to cut ex-partner loose from family unit

Q : My husband and I divorced 12 years ago. He’s an alcoholic; it was a rough marriage.

He was especially hard on our youngest daughter, and often compared her negatively to our two older girls.

He now lives overseas and rarely travels to see his daughters (twice).

When his elderly mother became ill, he asked if he could stay with us. Our youngest daughter, 22, and her boyfriend live with me, and my husband of six years.

We all agreed, knowing it wouldn’t be easy. But it turned out worse than we expected.

His actions took our daughter back to years of feeling ‘not-good-enough’ for him.

He also insulted her boyfriend. My husband had to be restrained from throwing him out.

When he left after two weeks, we all said, ‘Never again!’

How do I handle this? Should I email him describing the harm he caused yet again to his daughter? Or just cut off any contact from him with her and us? — Never Again

A: A Goodbye-Forever speech won’t be necessary.

Though it’s understandable that you’d like to hurl back descriptions of his hurtful actions, it’s up to your daughter to speak for herself, if she ever chooses to do so.

But there are two other daughters, his mother, and family members who’d be part of the drama that might erupt from that move.

He lives far away. If he ever asks to stay over again, the answer is ‘No.’

Meanwhile, help your daughter recover emotionally with calm, loving support.

TIP OF THE DAY: Some expartners demonstrate that they can’t be considered even as ‘former family members’ anymore.