Unexpected attraction could liven up marriage

Q

: I’m a working mother who gets a massage every few weeks, to ease muscle tensions. I usually see the same female massage therapist.

Recently, the receptionist said the therapist had just had a family emergency and had to leave.

I was offered a massage with a newly hired male therapist. I took it.

The experience was very disturbing – not from anything he did wrong, but from my reaction.

He was proper and professional, used a towel to cover my private area, and held it up to block seeing me when I turned over.

Yet I felt very aroused and restless. He was nice-looking but not overly so. I don’t know why I reacted so strongly.

Even thinking about him now makes me flushed.

I’m 40, with two school-age children. I love my husband and we have fairly regular sex.

Is there something wrong with me to have gotten so turned on by a stranger? Would it be playing with fire for me to keep seeing him for massage?

Or is this some kind of overdrive before menopause hits me?

— Unexpected Turn-On

A: It’s not that surprising that, being met with an unknown and previously unexpected male in a small massage room in which you’re mostly naked, that you’d feel restless and awkward, at the very least.

What was normally a time for you of total relaxation became charged with sexual awareness.

There’s nothing “wrong” with you regarding that first encounter.

As for menopause, age 40 can certainly bring some hormonal changes, including hot-and-bothering sweats, but they’re usually more negatively felt rather than a surge of sexual passion.

You’ll soon enough know whether you’ve started into having hot flashes or this was an isolated reaction.

Now for the most important question: Would you be playing with fire to have your regular massage with him? Absolutely!

You’d be anticipating the same reaction, perhaps even inviting it sub-consciously.

It could lead to risking this man’s job if he responded to your vibe.

Look at it this way: You experienced an arousal that can be a turning point in your sex life with your husband.

Take that curiosity home and try something different - massage each other after the kids go to sleep. Cuddle naked. Make time for sex.

Reader’s Commentary Regarding the “Devastated Wife” (October 21):Reader: “There are serious red flags in her response that she should address within herself through counselling (or whatever works for her).

“Some connections between people are not traditional “crushes.” They’re on a deep spiritual level of just wanting to be around the other because of the joy they bring, and the acceptance that they show you.

“With these connections, just being you is enough. That’s where the red flag shows in the wife’s response to her husband.

“He’s been totally honest with her but it’s not enough for her.

“Based on a similar situation experienced by my friend, I believe that this man can do nothing right in her opinion.

“Counselling can help them both, but the problem is hers, and the huge hole whereby nothing is ever enough.

“He wants to stay married because he has integrity and made that commitment. But he’ll eventually find that he just can’t do it because she’ll never be satisfied.

“And being with her is too soul-destroying to stay.

“He may not even connect with the other woman again, but it’s not about her. It’s about what she’s shown him of himself and his marriage.

“Unless the wife addresses her issues, the marriage will fail.”

FEEDBACK Regarding the wife’s in-laws treating her hardworking husband and his freeloading brother differently (Oct. 24):

Reader: “The parents have the right to spend their money however they wish. The daughter-inlaw has no say.

“She doesn’t know what they’ve planned or what the future holds.

“A parent with the means to support a son in this way is likely financially intelligent.

“Maybe her husband will inherit a similar amount to what his brother has received. Maybe the house is in the parent’s name and they reap the profit upon sale.

“The wife’s bitterness will only make her disliked and drive a wedge in the family. She should mind her own business and respect her in-laws’ right to live how they wish.

“If they want to make sure all their grandchildren will have a decent life, that’s their business.”

Ellie - While speaking up to the parents won’t bring any closer relationship with them, their unequal treatment IS divisive.