False accusations are mental abuse

Q

: Everyday, I’m being accused of texting or messaging other guys. Or, that I talk to other guys at the casino.

Not true. Yet my accuser actually believes himself. He even tries to convince everyone we know.

I finally contacted a private investigator. I’m willing to take a lie detector test to prove my innocence.

He always said he’d take one too. But after I contacted the investigator’s office, he said he’s not taking one.

That raises concern and red flags.

I told him I’m 100% sure I can pass the lie detector test. If there was one bit of doubt I wouldn’t be moving forward with my decision.

I always tell him, “The only reason you accuse me is because you’re guilty of something and want to have justification about it. Or, you’re trying to find a reason to step out of our relationship.”

Why would he suddenly have a change of heart about taking a lie detector test? He doesn’t want me taking one.

But I’m going ahead because I’m not lying or doing anything that he says.

He’s going to owe me a sincere apology in front of everyone we know. I don’t understand why he’d change his mind. I don’t get it.

— Not Guilty!

A: Sorry, but everyone reading this “gets” it. He’s jealous, insecure, and badmouths you to friends because he’s a weak man who thinks this is how to keep you with him.

You don’t need a lie detector test. Save your money and leave this man.

If you fear his reaction, make a safe and private plan to move away from his demeaning attempts to control you.

Q

: I was the eldest child in a household of physical and emotional violence.

I became the protector for my sibling and my mother, but also developed a guilt and inferiority complex.

Over the years, I raised eight children to become successful professionals, good citizens, and wonderful parents, despite my own failed and abusive marriages.

I’ve worked hard to become stronger and wiser and to empower my children.

But I’d suffered betrayals and became paralyzed with fear for a lengthy period.

During it, one of my daughters and her husband belittled me and accused me of being a coward.

The weaker I became, the crueler they were. Nevertheless, I continued to raise my younger children as a single mother.

But I was fearful of confronting their periodic cruelty. Instead of putting them in their place like I did when they were growing up, I wimp out and retreat, waiting for them to come back into my life.

I’ve been diagnosed with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), but am unable to overcome it.

I continue to appease everyone except my new husband, who seems to love me unconditionally.

Any helpful words from you would be most welcome. — Feeling Hopeless

A: Being fortunate to have a partner’s unconditional love, means you also have validation and hope, if only you recognize it.

That’s what you should focus on.

It’s never been your fault that your upbringing was chaotic and harsh. You did the best you could to protect whom you could, just as you did the best you could raising your children.

Your daughter has her own view of her life during your abusive marriages. Her husband supports her by joining her negativity.

But you’re past that now, living senior years with a loving husband.

Yes, PTSD has its impact still, but counselling and other treatment can help.

Most important, give up the old story and live in the present.

FEEDBACK Regarding my relationship of 15 months which was loving and intense, until his close relative died tragically and he needed to be by himself (November 16):

Reader: “Thank you for answering. We took a break for four weeks to the day. Then we met up and we are trying to work it out.

“It’s because we do love each other.

“We have taken living together completely off the table and are spending a bit less time together.

“But I can feel that we are moving forward and, as he says, letting things happen organically.”

Ellie: Good decision! I’ll repeat, for all readers who may experience a similarly sudden backing away from a relationship, what I wrote:

“It’s not uncommon for someone to react to a double whammy of emotions by retreating into what’s most basic, steady, and familiar in life.”

You’re both wise (at 60 and 55) to let things settle, without pressure.

TIP OF THE DAY Constant false yet public accusations are abuse. Don’t accept it.

Read Ellie Monday to Saturday. Email ellie@thestar.ca. Follow @ellieadvice. Copyright 2017: Ellie TesherDistributed by: Torstar Syndication Services