Choosing between two only part of the answer

Q

: I had a rough year in my marriage. My husband’s been consumed with university and work. We only saw each other on weekends.

After four months, I said I couldn’t handle three more years. But he didn’t care about how I felt.

Things became very harsh: he called me names, got defensive. Our emotional connection dissolved.

Going to bed alone every night while he worked, I felt abandoned, betrayed, and very alone.

My family just said, “You’re married, figure it out.” Meanwhile, I began to have suicidal thoughts.

After eight months, I begged him to go to marriage counselling. He refused.

I felt imprisoned in my marriage. I believed I’d tried everything to get through to him, to try to find help and support.

Meanwhile, I’d been spending more time with my friend/mentor/boss for my new work project. I trusted and admired him.

He began pursuing me. I told him I was still in love with my husband, regardless of how bad things had become.

But he kept inviting me out, and I kept accepting. It became a full-blown affair.

It’s been four months. Two months ago, my husband finally agreed to counselling.

He’s said he wants to change and make things better for us, but I think he can’t change, because of his rejection, emotional issues, and his pride.

We’ve been separated for four weeks, but still attend counselling, and meet weekly for lunch.

I’m fully dating the other man and enjoying our life together (along with his son, five).

Neither of them knows the other is in the picture.

My boyfriend treats me like an equal, can speak about his feelings, and apologize when he’s wrong. But I’m terrified of making the wrong choice.

I don’t want to abandon/hurt my husband. My family would be so angry with me, especially if I ended up with the other man.

When I’m not with my husband, I barely miss him though I care for him greatly.

How can I decide?

— At A Standstill

A: You’ve come a long way: from feeling abandoned to having choices. But you still have a way to go.

Choosing between two partners is never the whole answer to another person’s life.

Once you had your own work project and a companion, you changed in outlook and personal confidence. An affair with a caring man was almost inevitable.

Get counselling for yourself. Learn how/when to handle more challenges and tough times, which happen in every long-term relationship.

Then give your decision more time.

FEEDBACK More readers’ “solutions’ for a landlord upset by basement renters’ frequent loud sex (December 15):

Reader #1: “A rug on your floor should help. Adding insulated tiles to their ceiling should help even more.’

Reader #2: “During one of those “moments,’ knock on their apartment door to ask if everything’s okay. If they don’t answer, shout out your concerns. That’ll start a dialogue.’ Reader #3: “Years ago, the girl next door to me had an outof-town boyfriend who visited every two weeks. They’d have sex almost continuously for three days.

“One day, when my boyfriend was over, he heard the noise, marched into my bedroom, picked up the corner of the bed and started slamming it into the wall that we share.

“He was moaning loudly so I started screaming loudly. We did this only for a few minutes and then it was so silent you could hear a pin drop. No more problem.’

TIP OF THE DAY: Choosing between two partners is never the whole answer to another person’s life.