Longtime friend deserves explanation
Q : I’m a male, friends with “G” since childhood, we’re both now mid-40s.
He always wanted what I had. In our 20s, he knew I liked someone. He dated her anyway and they married. He divorced a year later.
Once, when I couldn’t find my wallet, he refused to lend me $15 though he had it and knew I’d pay back within the hour.
We’re both not suffering financially.
I’ve always been there for G, through his girl troubles, divorce, and his adult child alienating him.
He was invited weekly to our family meal at my mother’s house. He was an usher at my wedding.
Three years ago, I realized he had nothing to offer. I was then very sick in the hospital and had been robbed.
I needed only $10 yet he was very nasty about not lending it to me.
Without him, I’m happy, have a wonderful family, good friends, and an enjoyable job.
However, he’s started texting me daily to renew friendship. I never explained why I’d severed it.
I finally wrote him why, bluntly and harshly.
Yet he keeps pushing. I think he’s lonely and unwilling to accept the consequences of his actions. He does not suffer any mental illness.
— How To Handle?
A: I get it that you were fed up.
Yes, G sounds lonely and clueless about the effect of his behaviour, such as his cheapness.
However, unless you’re a psychiatrist, I don’t think you can say categorically that he doesn’t have any mental health issues.
He’s certainly insecure, misses social cues, and doesn’t know when to back off. Those symptoms have a place in some special needs disorders.
You’re uncomfortable with how you rejected him, so give the situation one more chance. Meet him and explain, not harshly, how his actions offended you.
Limit contact — no daily texts, perhaps a weekly coffee together.
Suggest he talk to his doctor about things he does that others (including his child) dislike. Tell him to consider counselling which might help him socially so he’ll be less lonely. Q
: My son, age five, was diagnosed with Autism at two and a half.
I gave up a successful healthcareer while my husband continued working.
I take my son to appointments, his therapies, and drops/pickups from school.
I dedicated my life to him, but he’s obsessed with his father.
He cries for him when he’s at work. At home, my husband spends good time with our son and takes him out for activities on weekends. He’s a good father.
But my son’s Dad-obsession drives me insanely jealous.
He’s constantly whining and crying “I want Dad.” He videochats with my husband and phones him at work.
I do so many fun activities but afterward, he says, “I want dad now.”
I’m annoyed, irritated, frustrated and very emotional. I feel unvalued.
My husband acknowledged that when they’re together, my son doesn’t ask for me. — Jealous Mom
A: Use your son’s school time and time with his dad, to join an Autism Society support group, and seek information regarding obsessions, repetitive behaviour, and routines - not uncommon - in many autistic people from a young age.
He isn’t rejecting you. He’s lucky to have two very devoted parents.
You have enormous value to your son which he naturally takes for granted because of your presence.
You also need other outlets ñ time with friends when possible, and perhaps eventually working again.
I’m sure readers experienced with autism will share some ideas and thoughts.
Reader’s Commentary: About the woman who doesn’t want to be “Debbie Downer” regarding her friend’s in/out boyfriend (February 2):
“I experienced this situation regarding my sister and her very interesting but demanding, self-centered boyfriend.
“We were very close, and I’d worried for her about him.
“Suddenly, she asked what I thought of him and their relationship.
“I said that what bothered me wasn’t him or her, but their relationship.
“He’s terrific, she’s super, but the relationship stinks. If she could completely overhaul how they deal with one another, that’s what’s needed.
“It worked. She dumped him. “I now realize that she’d needed to manage the relationship from the beginning.
“The writer should tell her friend to make her needs known, insist on certain things, be flexible and open on others.
“She must both give and demand respect.
“If put that way, her friend just might listen.
“My sister found a super guy, and they’ve been together for years.”
TIP OF THE DAY
A longtime friend deserves explanation of how his/her negative behaviour upsets you, plus helpful suggestions.
Read Ellie Monday to Saturday. Email ellie@thestar.ca. Follow @ellieadvice. Copyright 2017: Ellie TesherDistributed by: Torstar Syndication Services