Being a roommate is give and take

Q

: My roommate and I agreed last fall on a nighttime house temperature.

I messed up several times and left it too hot before going to sleep (maybe she messed up too. I didn’t care enough to remember).

Recently, I woke up to her message that I left the heat too high again (I was sick and cold so turned it up, then fell asleep).

She was mad and wants me to move out after school ends.

I’m fine with that, and don’t want to live with someone who doesn’t want to live with me.

But I’m wondering how to proceed from here and if I’m correct to think this is a bit weird and an overreaction. — Overheated

A: You could’ve left a note explaining that you were sick and feeling ill.

You could’ve recognized before this incident, that though you didn’t care about more heat, she really cared.

Being a roommate is often a first practical experience of having to get along with another person for mutual convenience.

She’s upset that you don’t care about an agreement you made. Maybe heating costs are also worrying her.

Apologize. Take responsibility that way, not by excusing yourself because you “messed up,” which sounds childish and dismissive.

Q

: I came into my stepson’s life when he was 14. I enjoyed our relationship and never took on a parental role.

He has a sullen, uncommunicative demeanor, but treated his father and me respectfully.

We’re unassuming people, we don’t interfere, nor guilt or shame him regarding his thoughtlessness. But we’re done with always reaching out.

From day one, when he met his wife nine years ago, she’s shown narcissistic behavior, covert manipulation, and has put her family first.

At their wedding, we were so disregarded it was unbelievable and inexcusable. My husband cried the next morning from the humiliation.

When he talked to his son about it, he was told, “I knew nothing about it.” He’s since never tried to redeem himself.

Christmases are never spent with us; they’ve made excuses not to come to dinner at the last minute, etc.

When both my parents passed away, he didn’t contact me to offer condolences.

I’ve drained all the emotional investment I had in him and have limited contact with them as a couple.

Now, after the missing of Father’s Day, not showing up for prearranged father-son breakfasts, my husband has finally said he’s not trying anymore. He’s 70, and I’m 60.

Recently we were invited to his son’s 50th birthday.

Her invitation says, “in lieu of gifts, a collection will be taken to purchase a gift certificate to his favorite music store.”

We’re not going to the party. We want to RSVP saying, “We can’t make it, cousins are in town as a surprise but we might be able to make it for drinks.” (They once cancelled a dinner with us in that exact same way).

We’ll add: “We’ve mailed a gift certificate for the music store to add to the collection plate.” — Fed Up

A: It’s fine to gnash your teeth about all this, together and privately.

But it’s not fine to lower yourselves to their same behaviour.

They’ll both be able to call your response to their perfectly fine invitation (in their minds) as rude and childish.

Your husband is already not sought out by his son. Retaliating will create full estrangement.

He may one day reach out to his father, or not. Meanwhile, attend or not, but take the higher ground as the decent “unassuming people” you’ve always been.

Q

: We have a friend who is the most awful cook, but thinks her food is wonderful. She keeps asking us over for meals and we’re running out of excuses.

Is it ever okay to tell someone you can’t eat their food? And what excuse (if any) would make her stop inviting us? — Unappetizing

A: Is it ever okay to straightout tell someone who’s a generous and thoughtful friend, something that will hurt and embarrass them? No.

A friend thinks of another approach. Examples: You insist on a pot luck dinner, bring the main course, get someone else to bring side dishes, another makes or buys dessert.

Insist that the friend’s hospitality is enough, or all she should contribute is some wine.

Also, here’s a perfect special gift for her birthday or whatever: Sign her up to a cooking course and attend with her two friends enjoying time out together and improving their cooking skills.

TIP OF THE DAY

Treat a roommate how you want to be treated - respectfully and responsibly.