Know the red flags of when to run away

Q : We worked for two years in similar fields but a power imbalance broke everything. He seemed to manipulate everything to be done in his own way.

My upbringing is that a serious relationship ends with a marriage. But his previous girlfriends wanted his money so he thought I was after the same thing.

I had feelings for this guy. He was very caring and seemed very special.

Yet he even thought I wanted to use him to get to a better job in the same company. He suggested I sleep with my direct bosses.

I was so deeply hurt. With so many differences in thinking, I said no to any future together.

Later, he worked elsewhere and married, three months after he’d told me I might be the one.

His rush to another marriage seemed weird. He’d even been having two relationships simultaneously.

Or he wanted to cover the messy break-up of his previous common-law relationship. She had a nervous break-down which gossips blamed on him.

Later he wrote that he still has feeling for me but I’m not a person that wants to breakup his brand-new family.

Should I believe him and leave everything for him? For me, love comes softly but he seems to be Mr. Speed.

– Confused

I can almost hear the collective shout of readers: RUN FAST!

He’s not a man to believe and count on.

By your own account, he’s manipulative, judgmental, suspicious, insulting, and a twotimer.

It’s almost certain that these same qualities will resurface after a brief (manipulative) wooing period.

But your answer comes from your own words: “So many differences in thinking”

Trying to have a serious smooth relationship with this man will frustrate you and wear you down. Run now!

Q : After several years of disputes with my business partner, which I tried to keep private from mutual friends and his family, I learned that he was sharing all the information with the others.

It turned into a full-blown war with him † exposing my private life and most intimate details publicly.

I refused to get into mud slinging or using his extramarital affairs (including sleeping with his student) as a weapon in † the public court of opinion, or in the courts.

I paid a heavy price for being uncompromised.

This resulted in every mutual friend shutting me out, making it difficult to even walk into a restaurant without heads turning away, like I was a dead man walking.

Not to mention my losing lucrative positions and jobs.

Circumstances changed. He’s been demoted † or resigned from powerful positions and gone to obscurity. Meanwhile, my stock’s rising.

Now the same mutual friends are reaching out and I† †ignore them or refuse to acknowledge them. I cannot forgive them nor can I forget the injustice.

Am I doing the right thing? Should I share my knowledge with all of them † before letting them in? I’m torn between † revenge and integrity.

– Divided Reaction

You cannot claim the higher ground of behaviour and integrity if you go down the same path of nastiness that your former partner chose.

Forget about his extramarital affairs. Exposing them would be hurtful to innocent people, his wife, children, that student, not just him.

You’ve been vindicated socially as well as professionally. That’s what matters to your future profile and prospects.

Those past but fickle friends know how you feel about them, as you continue to just ignore them.

This is the time to find new friends and associates whom you can respect and trust.

Q : My youngest uncle has a serious gambling addiction, though he had the best education among my other uncles and is smart but very proud, too.

He doesn’t realize that he’s chasing the wind. He even said he discovered a secret formula and his combination of numbers will win big time.

But he spends much more than he wins. He still doesn’t have his own house or a family. How can I convince him to stop hurting himself financially?

– Worried Relative

He’s hurting in more ways than financially.

Only he can decide to try to recover from his addiction.

But you can help him acknowledge it.

Send him online research from the website gamblersanonymous.org. Offer to go with him to one of the GA support group meetings in your area.

Give him a note with the helpline for Substance Abuse and Mental Health (SAMHA): 1-800662-HELP (4357). It’s a 24-hour treatment referral service.

TIP OF THE DAY

Run from a would-be partner who’s been manipulative, suspicious, judgmental, and insulting.