Screen out the married men

Q:

My dating life has been non-existent for many years due to not finding or meeting men to whom I’d like to give my time.

But recently, I’m attracting married men.

Why? I don’t know.

They just want to sleep with me and return to their wives.

What am I doing wrong? What do I need to change to stop attracting these idiots and attract men whom I’d like to have in my life?

— Fed Up

A: Here’s what to change: Stop sleeping with married men.

If you’re dating online, be clear in your profile: No Married Men. If, when you meet in person, you suspect the man is married, say so, and leave.

Stop being flattered when they still want you. You’re just a diversion, that’s no compliment.

For a more positive approach: Think about what kind of men you’d like to attract. Go places where you might meet available men (and also meet women who know available men and might introduce you). What places?

Start with your own interests - e.g. through a meetup.com group, a volunteer organization, a sport activity.

Some men there may be married, but you’ll have time to find out without bedding them first.

If you’re serious about this, you’ll turn your own story around.

Reader’s Commentary: Regarding the woman whose boyfriend had bad teeth (March 13):

“Years ago, a friend suddenly asked if I thought her teeth were really that bad.

“They were horrible. I’d had difficulty looking at her teeth for years, but never mentioned it.

“She had an underlying health conditionfor which she was treated over decades. That condition had weakened her teeth, and they got increasingly worse over time.

“She was an otherwise brilliant, personable, talented and educated person, but her teeth were starting to make her look almost frightening.

“She was never comfortable spending money on herself, so had never attended to the dental work necessary to repair her teeth.

“Then she started a new romantic friendship, which was happy and fulfilling.

“Except that one day her boyfriend told her that he found her teeth off-putting. He was so embarrassed and upset by her teeth that he had decided to break up with her.

“But her other qualities were wonderful, and he didn’t want to lose her. So he offered to pay for the dental repairs needed.

“My friend was deeply shocked and offended. She asked my advice.

“Since I’d never said a word about her teeth, I think she was expecting me to also be offended by his suggestion.

“I took a deep breath and told her what I thought, as gently as possible.

“I was pretty sure her teeth had been the impediment to at least one job offer, and that it negatively affected some other relationships as well, just because of how awful they were to look at.

“Also, I liked the boyfriend, and thought it’d would be nice if she could continue to enjoy the relationship.

“It was not an easy conversation, but she thought it over and got her teeth fixed. It was such an astounding improvement!

“So I thought there might be some advantage, in the situation described in your column, for the woman to sit down with her boyfriend and tell him, gently, that she has a problem with his teeth, and that she’d like to do whatever’s necessary to help him find appropriate assistance.

“With my friend, only the direct approach had helped her realize she could make a change.”

Q

: My boyfriend of 13 years (father of our kids) constantly accuses me of cheating or sex-texting for money.

Or being in a gang, being a prostitute, having another life, and more.

I’ve never done any of it. He wants me to prove it, but won’t say where he got his information.

I’m the most loyal girlfriend he’s had. Also, I’ve been cheated on, and wouldn’t do it.

I love him but can’t do this anymore.

— Breaking Point

A:He may be suffering these beliefs through deep insecurity, depression, or some other mental health issue.

Unless he recognizes that he needs to see a doctor or counsellor about unfounded suspicions, you need to get away.

Start planning privately (use a library’s computer and set up a false-name email) where you and the children can go to be safely out of his reach.

If you fear, or he becomes physically hurtful to you or the children, call police immediately.

TIP OF THE DAY

Avoid dating married men through self-respect, plus changing how and where you meet them.

Read Ellie Monday to Saturday. Email ellie@thestar.ca. Follow @ellieadvice. Copyright 2017: Ellie TesherDistributed by: Torstar Syndication Services