Partners need to agree on polyamory

Q : My wife of 12 years recently said that she wants to pursue a poly-amorous lifestyle - i.e. a desire for multiple concurrent relationships.

We’ve been in a monogamous union, except for her brief affair nine years ago.

It left me with distrust and resentment that took years to move beyond.

There’d been other indications that she’d not be satisfied with one partner, but I chose to continue a life together with her.

I’m now grappling with my emotional maturity.

Although I wish for her to be happy, I don’t have any desire for multiple relationships.

I’m unsure whether I can live with the likely resultant jealousy and loneliness involved if I stay in my marriage.

But that doesn’t give me any right to stand in her way if that lifestyle leads to her fulfillment.

She says she wants me to be her primary partner (we have two children, ages 17 and 12), with freedom to come and go with these other satellite partners she wants to cultivate.

I want to be open-minded and accepting of her decisions, but my thoughts return to earlier trauma when there was another person involved in our marriage.

— Unsure Primary Partner A: Despite my anticipating a rush of readers’ feedback emails explaining the benefits of multiple-partner relationships, I’m cutting to the chase regarding your personal dilemma with it.

Past jealousy and anticipated new “trauma” make it clear: Polyamory is not for you.

Your wife’s desire in that direction is part of who she is and how she wants to live.

That’s her reality, not a judgment. But your feelings cannot be labelled as “emotional immaturity.”

Your maturity means knowing who you are, what you can accept for yourself, and choosing to live accordingly.

If you need to think this through more, go for counselling – individually and together, too.

But I’m betting the final answer for you is obvious:

You want, and are only comfortable with, sharing love and intimacy with one person who loves you and wants that same kind of relationship with you.