Porn addiction is a big red flag
Q: My husband and I have always had a minimal sex life. We dated for 12 years before we married, two years ago.
I’ve tried to get him to engage in more intimacy but have been repeatedly rejected.
Through his Internet search history, I’ve discovered that he’s regularly masturbating to Internet porn, usually 15 websites daily. His wastebasket is filled.
I became alarmed after noticing that he was doing this while I was at an appointment with my teenage daughters (from a prior marriage) and my other teenage daughter was still at home.
When I raised this, plus my concerns about pop-ups of teenage porn sex, he assured me he was just looking at “regular sex” porn.
He’s since set the computer to erase his history. But when I reset it, the pattern never changes.
I work out regularly and am in excellent shape for mid-50’s, yet I feel so unattractive because of the lack of intimacy and his porn addiction.
Is there any hope in getting help for this if he’s willing? I understand that most marriages end from this addiction. — Miserable
A: Your attractiveness has nothing to do with his porn issue.
Focus on the very serious things that do: 1) Your husband’s interest in teen porn when he’s living with teenage step-daughters; and 2) his disinterest in sex other than through porn.
There’s a chance for help only IF he’s willing to get addiction therapy, and also wants to eventually have a marriage that includes intimacy with you.
Meanwhile, stand up for yourself and your daughters.
Insist that he must seek therapy and also never watch teen porn again or you’ll have to separate (NOTE: Just as you’ve discovered his addiction, so might the girls).
You’d benefit from your own separate counselling, regarding having no blame for his behaviour and whether you two have a future together.
Q: Several years after I married, my husband’s brother married a good-hearted woman who must control all family gatherings and interactions.
This past year, she opted out of a big family gathering and there was huge relief, with everyone else happily taking on roles.
She’ll soon be back. I want her to be welcome, but with everyone else able to play a role. I understand we can’t change her, only take responsibility for ourselves.
How can I talk about this with her, and/or change my own behaviour so I’m not responding to her demands.
How can I help shift this dynamic so everyone feels welcome?
— A New Dynamic
A: It’s not easy, but yes, you can change your own reaction to her, and also try something new.
Choose an event now. Insist it be held either at your place or another uncomplicated venue. List what’s needed – food brought or bought by several people for each of mains, sides, desserts plus drinks.
Then send out a warm and cheerful group email asking everyone to sign on for their participation.
If she reacts with hurt or anger, respond gently but hold firm.
Say that you’re glad to have her participate – she’s very good at it – but that everyone wants to feel involved in these family occasions.
It’ll be a fresh start at finding out what works and what doesn’t.
Example: If she tries to control the next family get-together, talk to her directly about how all the relatives appreciate her enthusiasm but want to contribute too.
Explain that it’s their way to all feel connected and valued within the family, just like her.
FEEDBACK: Regarding the letter-writer’s bewilderment about her future with her boyfriend (April 14):
Reader – “Any adults with relationship experience learn to educate themselves in future.
“Example: Only those needing a plausible excuse to not commit at all, trot out the “I’ve been hurt/scammed/etc. before” line, when they’d rather not be honest about ambivalence towards their partners.
“Maybe her boyfriend’s already married/cohabitating, and needs to keep her at a distance emotionally and domestically.
“Also, does the letter-writer know for sure that his ex tried to “scam” him? Maybe she was just claiming her due - her sunk costs of nesting with a man who probably also told her it’s never going anywhere.
“This man has said who he is, and shown real-life examples. The writer should’ve collected her toothbrush on the FIRST instance he told her that he wasn’t going to love her or build a future with her.”
TIP OF THE DAY
Three LOUD alarms: Pornaddiction, including teen porn, teen step-daughters in the house, rejecting spousal sex.