Boyfriend not perfect, just a perfect liar

Q

: I thought my boyfriend was perfect, but recently discovered that he’s been lying to me about many things.

He lied about contact with his ex throughout our relationship. He lied about his past relationship history.

I’m now noticing that he also lies about little things. He’ll deny this and try to make me feel I’m remembering it all wrong.

I’ve felt betrayed when he chooses his ex’s feelings over me. He doesn’t have proper boundaries.

He accepts gifts from her. I feel he’s continuing to lead her on as he’s never mentioned that he has a girlfriend.

I care so much for him but now I never know what’s real or isn’t.

I’ve already had multiple calm conversations with him about these issues, explaining how this makes me feel. But there’s no real resolution.

I want to feel that I’m being respected because I’m respectful to him. What can I do?

— Upset and Disappointed A: Being “respectful” to someone who persistently lies, sends the wrong message that you’ll continue to put up with it.

Be clear. You will not accept 1) future lies; 2) being “gaslighted” to doubt your own memory; 3) being hidden as his girlfriend.

Add it up, and recognize that your boyfriend IS leading on his ex, and you too, by making sure he can be the one to choose whenever he wishes.

Time for Truth or Consequences. The only logical “resolution” would be that he informs her that he’s in a relationship and stops lying to you.

If this doesn’t happen, the consequence is that your relationship ends.

Staying together otherwise will keep you in a fog of distrust and suspicion. Don’t let this happen. Q

: I’m currently 20, my partner is 21. I’ve always been focused on achieving a good career, although having no clue what I want to do, which stresses me.

We rent a three-bedroom house and currently work fulltime sales jobs. We’re really good at saving money.

Lately I’ve been having serious yearnings for a baby (despite previous fears I had about labours).

We’re a quiet couple who stay home, we’re finished with clubbing and drinking.

We discussed having a baby and both agreed that we should start trying next year. That would give us a year to save money and I’d be nearly 22 when giving birth, and my partner 24.

But am I swapping my hope for a career to raising a child, out of fear? Or is this finally a decision I’ve made with what I want from life??

— Confused

A: Yes, you are confused, and casting about for a “solution.” But a baby is not a solution. It’s another life with demands/ needs/wants, requiring full commitment, responsibility, love, care, and no deciding it was a mistake.

Of course, you can work towards a career later.

But, getting pregnant now, when so young, and as an escape plan from more education and working hard at a goal, is not the best approach to motherhood.

You have time on your side. Use it wisely. Don’t just daydream about possible futures. See a career counsellor to discuss your interests and skills. You’ll get help focusing on what’s possible for you to pursue and where to start.

You have a good ten years at least to build on that dream of a future that provides personal satisfaction and self-confidence, along with the means to afford raising children and living comfortably.

Babies are to be treasured, not created as a fallback plan or to avoid something else.

FEEDBACK: Regarding the man in a three-year relationship whose sex life is becoming “complacent” (May 1):

Reader – “I’m a male who believes that if a man wishes his woman to be more sexual, then he needs to spend the time and effort in building desire between them.

“Sex depends less on fancy dinners and more on physical and mental desire.

“Touching a woman as often as she likes, and how she likes to be touched, will set the mood.

“Desire grows the more it is fed.

“It also pays to learn how to please her physically without actually having intercourse.”

Ellie - Touch is a good place to start showing affection without blaming your partner for the state of your sex life.

A hug, a pat on the arm as she/he walks by, holding hands, these are the small daily signals that connect a couple.

It brings them to their alone time with more anticipation of stroking and embracing sexually.

TIP OF THE DAY: A partner’s persistent lying ends trust in him/her and in the relationship.