An affair not the answer to fixing relationship

Q : I’m 28, in a relationship for seven months (best friends for 10 years). We’ve talked about moving in next year, kids, marriage.

However, a couple of months ago, I saw on his phone that he was looking online for bi-experimentation.

While he never went through with it, it shocked me based on situations in my past re: cheating and lying.

He’s since been seeing a sex therapist, because he has a much-lower libido than me, and to sort out his issues regarding sex.

His ex-girlfriend had put him down for wanting to try certain things with her, so he’s always been afraid.

With me, he worried that due to his lower sex drive, he wasn’t pleasing me.

When I discovered his emails, I went crazy, feeling hurt and lost. That week, I started an affair. It’s still on.

I feel like crap sometimes because I’m so opposed to cheating. But I’m almost relieved that I could have this side, and this me-time.

I feel badly because he’s working hard on himself, devoted to me and our future.

I love him and want to spend my life with him.

I just don’t know why I don’t feel bad enough to end this affair.

— Confused and Cheating A: You’re not ready to plan a future, not with someone you feel no guilt about betraying.

Sue, he was the first to err, through online curiosity, NOT cheating. Now he’s addressing his sexual issues for you, while you have it off with someone else.

You’ve walked blithely into an affair, like you’re owed it because of past hurts. Never mind the man you claim to love.

Get to your own counselling, fast. Drop the affair and come clean with your guy.

If you can’t do that, break up. You’ve both experienced a personal crisis. He’s working through his, you’ve opted for deceitful self-indulgence.

Since your past experiences have numbed you against being an honest partner to his efforts, you need “me-time” for professional therapy.

Q : My university-educated daughter-in-law doesn’t tidy up, cook, do laundry. She has a regular cleaning service.

Her child, age four, is constantly rebuffed because mom spends most of her time online.

The house is littered with her shoes and soiled clothing. She buys expensively, then loses, breaks, and tosses them like trash.

She claims she’s too exhausted after her desk-job work day to do “any more.”

My son does all of the household, yard work, and child-rearing.

He’s very tired, and disillusioned. I’m afraid he’ll lose love for her.

She refuses counselling. I help him with the laundry and babysit four evenings weekly so she can go to the gym.

I’ve never had a disagreement with her, but have lost so much respect, it’s hard to keep silent. — Worried Mother-In-Law A: The expression among wise parents-in-law is this: Zip it.

That refers to your critical comments. The worst thing you can do for your grandchild is to create an enemy of her mother.

Your son’s coping. He must’ve known she was untidy and careless about possessions, from dating her.

Meanwhile, she works. There’s a cleaning service. They’re not living in dire straits.

Lots of parents are seemingly online constantly. Their child will be, too. You can’t change that with disapproval.

The couple may discover that it’s healthier for their child to have some restrictions on screen time and personal devices. But that’s their battle to fight, not yours.

When you babysit, read to her. Buy her books and art supplies. Be loving and attentive. That’s your best role.

Reader’s Commentary: Regarding the woman whose son’s girlfriend isn’t invited to his friend’s wedding:

Reader – “The mother acts like this is the end of the world. Why does she think she has a say in a wedding to which she wasn’t invited?

“Why was the guest list even discussed with her? What kind of adult tattles to his mommy that his new girlfriend wasn’t invited to a wedding?

“It’s someone else’s wedding that she and her sons are not related to, so there should be absolutely no judgement or speculation about the guest list.

“The son needs to grow up and deal with minor, one-day inconveniences on his own.

“Is this ‘helicopter parenting’ to an extreme?”

Ellie - Welcome to Wedding Season when critics emerge in full bloom.

Thankfully, others stay mindful that wedding costs and family differences can turn a hoped-for happy event into a circus of petty squabbling. Their silent understanding is greatly appreciated.

TIP OF THE DAY

A secret outside affair doesn’t improve your relationship, it changes it.