Take the high road and en­joy daugh­ter’s wed­ding

Cape Breton Post - - ADVICE/GAMES - El­lie Tesher

Q

: My only child is get­ting mar­ried this year.

My di­vorce eight years ago was not ac­ri­mo­nious. How­ever, I was cut off from my ex’s fam­ily im­me­di­ately.

Only a cou­ple of years ago, I learned that my for­mer in-laws al­luded to mu­tual friends that I caused the failed mar­riage due to in­fi­delity with mul­ti­ple part­ners.

I was shocked and deeply hurt as my daugh­ter heard and spoke to me about it.

Equally hurt­ful is that my ex did noth­ing to dis­suade these ru­mours, fully know­ing that they weren’t true and hurt our daugh­ter.

I’ve since tried to ex­tend the olive branch to my ex for my daugh­ter’s sake and her wed­ding.

Now I’ve learned that those who bad-mouthed me have been in­vited, and that my ex is host­ing a large Jack and Jill party but I’ve been de­lib­er­ately ex­cluded.

I’m try­ing to hold my head up. My daugh­ter’s more con­cerned with ap­peas­ing her fa­ther as his health isn’t great.

The con­tin­u­ous snub­bing is mak­ing me dread my only child’s wed­ding. How do I han­dle this?

— Ex­cluded Mother

A: What a sad back­drop to what should be one of the hap­pi­est events in your life!

Con­tinue to hold your head high. You and your daugh­ter both know that the gos­sip is false and mean-spir­ited, say­ing more about those who spread it and about those who won’t deny it.

Mean­while, cel­e­brate and en­joy the com­ing nup­tials in your own style.

Con­sider host­ing a small lunch or other af­ford­able gath­er­ing for your own rel­a­tives and close friends as a pre-wed­ding event. If you can, in­clude your son-in-law’s par­ents and sib­lings, too.

If there’s a bridal shower, hope­fully you’re in­cluded. If not, cre­ate one with the bride’s girl­friends.

At the wed­ding it­self, min­gle with peo­ple you like, en­joy, and hope­fully, dance!

Reader’s Com­men­tary: “Many older par­ents write com­plain­ing that they’re left out of their adult chil­dren/grand­chil­dren’s lives.

“Most don’t ac­knowl­edge they could’ve con­trib­uted to the rift.

“My mother’s in de­nial that we limit con­tact with her be­cause she’s cold, dis­in­ter­ested in our lives, volatile, and can’t stand be­ing dis­agreed with, mak­ing my child­hood very dif­fi­cult.

“She’s told a fam­ily mem­ber that she doesn’t like my hus­band, call­ing him ‘con­trol­ling’ (he’s not).

“His par­ents are kind, warm, and sup­port­ive. They’ve been there when we needed help with our chil­dren or fi­nan­cially.

“They show love for our kids and call ask­ing how we’re do­ing if they haven’t seen them in a while.

“It’s also hard to shake off feel­ings from years of liv­ing with my par­ents.

“My sib­ling and I got zero af­fec­tion, en­cour­age­ment, or guid­ance about im­por­tant things like re­la­tion­ships or money.

“We made sev­eral painful mis­takes in life and got lit­tle sym­pa­thy. Their ne­glect has left scars.

“My mother’s sub­tly mean, e.g. wait­ing a week to in­form me that a rel­a­tive has died. I’ve re­ceived a cou­ple of birth­day cards that say “from” in­stead of “love.”

“Also, my par­ents to­tally dis­dain peo­ple who ‘got help,’ so they give us noth­ing, de­spite do­ing very well fi­nan­cially and hav­ing am­ple free time.

“When I re­turned to work af­ter my sec­ond child and called for a shoul­der to cry on about how hard life was right then, I got only vague and dis­in­ter­ested re­sponses.

“I don’t feel like try­ing to sal­vage things any­more, de­spite feel­ing some guilt. I don’t know how to love some­one who’s gone so far to be unlov­able.”

El­lie - A cau­tion­ary tale for grand­par­ents: If you want a re­la­tion­ship, make the ef­fort.

FEED­BACK: Re­gard­ing the woman, 25, whose boyfriend’s ad­dicted to cannabis and hasn’t been able to quit (May 2):

Reader – “Mar­i­juana Anony­mous is based on the same 12 steps as Al­co­holics Anony­mous.

“The young man has to want to stop, but per­haps doesn’t know about this great fel­low­ship.

“It helped me. If there are no meet­ings where they live, there are on­line meet­ings.”

El­lie – Here’s the in­for­ma­tion from one typ­i­cal group:

“Mar­i­juana Anony­mous is a fel­low­ship of men and women who share our ex­pe­ri­ence, strength, and hope with each other that we may solve our com­mon prob­lem and help oth­ers to re­cover from mar­i­juana ad­dic­tion.

“The only re­quire­ment for mem­ber­ship is a de­sire to stop us­ing mar­i­juana. There are no dues or fees for mem­ber­ship. We are self-sup­port­ing through our own con­tri­bu­tions. MA is not af­fil­i­ated with any re­li­gious or sec­u­lar in­sti­tu­tion or or­ga­ni­za­tion and has no opin­ion on any out­side con­tro­ver­sies or causes.”

TIP OF THE DAY

Rise above nasty gos­sip to en­joy your child’s wed­ding and se­cure your re­la­tion­ship with the new cou­ple.

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