‘Dating’ an old friend not fair to husband
Q : My wife of 16 years recently reconnected with an “old” friend who was widowed several years ago.
He’s a very successful businessman, nearly 20 years her senior.
She recently flew alone to another city to surprise him at an “event” he hosted. She was gone for three days.
Now whenever he flies into our city, she meets him for dinner (I’m not invited).
My wife’s just told me that he’s invited her to a wedding as his date later this summer in cottage country and she’s gladly accepted. Another weekend with this guy alone.
She assures me it’s only a “friendship” and she’d get her own room. She says I have “nothing to worry about that I’m being a big baby.”
I’m uncomfortable with their renewed relationship, now texting and talking on a regular basis.
I don’t think she’d cheat on me. — Uninvited Husband
A: Even if you trust her completely, the optics of your own image are disrespectful to you, and she should know that.
Just imagine how she’d react if you started travelling to be a date for a long-ago female friend, with her left uninvited to join!
Present this comparative scenario to her.
You’re not being “a baby,” rather a loving, concerned, and hurt husband.
She’s enjoying the attention of a man who exudes power from his position and wealth, and who makes the get-togethers seem natural to their old friendship, due to his loss. All understandable, except that she’s dismissing how uncomfortable you are and how it appears to others.
He’s using her as a companion/date with no consideration that she has a husband. It appears there’s been no effort to even meet you.
Unless he’d communicated with you (and thanked you) and your feelings about this matter to her, it’s demeaningeven if there’s no cheating involved.
FEEDBACK Regarding the woman’s partner whose angry outbursts and blaming are increasing (June 9):
Reader – “Your advice was “spot” on. These are “RED” flags!! He didn’t randomly start getting angry; it was always there, he just previously hid it well.
“Initially, when the relationship occurred alternating weekends, he was on his best behaviour. Accepting his verbal, mental, and emotional abuse is telling him, “I’m okay being treated this way.”
“He’s a bully. She doesn’t see it yet but she’s losingself- confidence every day and soon he won’t be able to “make (her) laugh”anymore.
“His inability to sleep and exwife’s behaviour aren’t solely to blame for his anger. He’ll always blame something or someone else.
“Next,it will be her or his son.”
— Been There
Ellie – As you understand from personal experience, her “love” for him reflects the selfdoubts he’s instilled in her.
She needs to leave and feel safe.
TIP OF THE DAY
“Dating” an old friend while excluding your life partner, is demeaning and risks the relationship.
Read Ellie Monday to Saturday. Email ellie@thestar.ca. Follow @ellieadvice. Copyright 2017: Ellie Tesher Distributed by: Torstar Syndication Services