Cheating won’t fix troubled marriage

Q: My husband of 15 years and I have three children together. For years, we’ve argued, mostly about finances and him being irresponsible with his business.

Our families are very close; we have many mutual friends and connections. I also work for him part-time.

My attraction to him has faded. I think only about how resentful I am toward him.

Our family suffers as he tries to save his business, borrowing money and gaining debt.

A year ago, I started chatting online and seeing other men casually. He has no idea. He knows I’m unhappy but thinks we’ll be okay.

I’ve previously threatened to leave him and he falls apart.

It’s only by seeing other men that I can stay with him and endure, for my children’s sake and our families. It’d be a disaster if I left him now.

But I dream about when I can be free of him.

I’m thinking to wait until my kids are grown, but worry that I can’t take it that long.

I’m living a double life and not completely enjoying either one.

When my husband and I are intimate, I close my eyes and imagine he’s someone else.

Help me figure out what to do. I saw a therapist but I knew right away that they’d just tell me cheating is wrong and I need to stop.

But it’s the only happiness I can get right now.

— Double Life

A: You’re very good at making a case to continue as is: No love or respect for your husband, but no giving up family ties/ friends, nor disturbing the children.

So, you’ll keep having multiple casual affairs. You want help but only if no one tells you not to cheat.

Here’s how that scenario plays out over time: More flings with strangers plus intimacy with your husband and risking STDs for both of you.

Eventually, you’ll get caught, because the “double life” is a sloppy one.

Then everyone knows that you cheated repeatedly on your husband, not even for love.

And they know you did it when he was down, “trying to save his business.”

Waiting till the children are grown is dangerous. You’ll slip up sooner than later.

Get to a therapist and say upfront that you’re cheating because you’re the one who’s already bankrupt emotionally within this relationship.

Stay with therapy to understand why you’re a blamer instead of a partner, why you’re the one willing to toss your integrity while he’s desperately trying to support the family.

Perhaps, with counselling, you’ll make a clean break sooner. Maybe not.

Just stop pretending you have no other choice but to cheat.

Q : I met this wonderful man. We communicated for a month. He has health issues. He asked me to respect him and his space, because he needs to improve his health. He says his family situation is becoming better.

I care for him. We talked recently for an hour.

I’m planning to meet him next month. Can we eventually have a relationship? Should I give him time? Or move on?

— Uncertain

A: You don’t know this man at all. In fact, there’s likely no one there, at least not someone with whom you’ll have a future.

He made contact, then pulled away with excuses - his health, family situation, needs “space” (translation: don’t bother me for a while). But he plays on your sympathy, too.

Don’t meet him. He’s just keeping you ready for “helping” him some way - money for his health or his family troubles, etc.

Move on now.

FEEDBACK: Regarding the married woman who’s the “date” for a widower to attend an outof-town wedding (July 5):

Reader – “She accused her husband of being a ‘baby’ for feeling hurt about her spending time (platonically) with another man.

“This is outrageous behaviour by a married woman. She’s actively and enthusiastically DATING this man.

“If he’s ever in her town, then, more appropriately, she could invite him home where she and her husband could console his loss and entertain him together. “But she’s playing with fire. “I’m with her husband on this. She sounds bored with her marriage and looking for excitement. But the cost could be a big one - her marriage.”

Ellie – I’m with her husband on this, too. He says this is her second out-of-town trip without him, to be with this older, wealthy man.

Her husband hasn’t even been invited to meet him.

It shows serious disrespect, even if they’re platonic.

TIP OF THE DAY

Work on financial difficulties together, instead of blaming and cheating.