Communication needed for trip plans

Q-Several months ago, my husband planned a trip to Las Vegas with his buddies. I wasn’t pleased about it only because it was his friend who told me the plan.

A week later, he told me that a mutual female friend was also joining them. I expected the friend to tell me that she was part of the trip.

She didn’t. I was upset. We haven’t spoken since.

I don’t think this is a matter of who’s right or wrong but rather one of respect and consideration. Your thoughts, please.

—His Private Plans

A-It’s not clear to whom you’re not speaking if it’s your female friend, that’s a side issue to resolve.

If it’s silence between you and your husband, it’s seriously wrong.

In any union, one needs to know when a partner’s taking off on a trip as a courtesy, and as a respectful check that the timing doesn’t interfere with the other’s needs.

Speak up. Tell him you’re hurt that he didn’t tell you about the trip, and more hurt that this woman’s involvement is almost secretive.

There may be a reasonable explanation, so don’t react ahead of getting an answer. Unless you don’t get one.

Q-After years of verbal and mental abuse, I was finally able to break out following the arrest of my ex-wife for assault.

My then 17-year old daughter moved out with me and has since lived with me full-time. She’s also a victim and has consequently limited contact with her mother.

Now my ex-wife’s telling family and friends that she’s the victim. She even used that victim card and received special considerations in Small Claims Court, which left me with the impression that I was being treated as a potential threat.

(The case was unrelated, about compensation for money she stole from my account after the final divorce).

Why is society so easily accepting her unfounded claim of victimhood, when the evidence clearly points to the opposite?

How can I make the people around me understand that I’m not an abuser and, that it’s me and my daughter who are the victims of my ex-wife’s abuse?

—Wrongly Accused

A-With family and friends that you care about, repeat the simple statement that she was arrested for an assault on you.

Also, ask your lawyer how to word the most straightforward explanation that what happened in your previous family life caused both you and your daughter to leave her mother and divorce your ex, due to ongoing verbal and mental abuse.

I’d hope that the lawyer would approve an added sentence, e.g. that despite your past difficulties together, you wish your ex well in the future, and that she won’t need to keep trying to besmirch your name or that of her daughter, so you can all move forward in your lives.

Also, if something in your divorce decree or that consideration in Small Claims Court can more clearly define the dynamic that existed, perhaps the lawyer could consider including it, without inflaming the situation. Otherwise, drop it.

While it’s very unfortunate in your case, the current climate of intolerance for abuse particularly where there’s a power imbalance has made for strong allegations that become circulated before/without being proven in court.

Where charges are legally proven, and justice is served, this heightened awareness - at last! - is welcome on behalf of all the women and girls, and men and boys who have previously suffered in silence.

Reader’s Commentary Regarding the daughter dealing with a severe medical problem and food restrictions (Sept. 24):

Reader was diagnosed with a rare esophageal disease that prevented me from eating and keeping any food down.

Previously, the doctors had thought I had an extreme form of eating disorder like bulimia or anorexia. They told my parents to anticipate my death. My mom refused.

Finally, one last referral took us to the chief of staff at a major hospital.

Many tests led to three surgeries over five years to repair my esophagus.

I want to emphasize my family’s support: My mother, specifically, is a strong woman of faith and that’s what healed me.

Also, my faith community and the hospital professionals and staff rallied around my family and me.

The communication by all levels of staff was stellar.

In a time of crisis, there’s an opportunity to let it either destroy you or find a solution.

TIP OF THE DAY

Not speaking is never a helpful way to resolve hurt feelings in a relationship (except to briefly calm down).