Difficult relationships require work

My son’s wife is ten years his senior, divorced once, and previously had serious relationships.

I tried hard not to be against his decision, expecting that she’d be mature, appreciative, and more involved with marriage and family life.

To the contrary, her controlling nature makes me want to put distance from my son though we used to be very close.

For his sake, I know I should try to accept her, but it’s much easier for me not to see her. What should I do?

– Concerned/Sad Father

So long as your son remains open to a relationship with you, do not give up that bond. He’s still your son, but he’s an adult who was free to choose.

Perhaps he likes her independence and her decisiveness (which you see as controls, but which he accepts).

Being of a different generation from you, he may be comfortable with her attitudes towards less family traditions and togetherness than you would’ve preferred.

But if there’s still regard and respect between you and your son, find new ways to be close. Perhaps meet for lunch occasionally, just you two, and/or discuss his work more, or the books he’s reading, or watch a sports event together.

When in your daughter-inlaw’s company, ask about her work and her other interests. Don’t expect her to model the lifestyle you knew in your marriage or similar dealings with in-laws in your past.

You need to know her as she is, and also be respectful of their relationship. That’s what your son expects from you. Your rapport with him will only improve if you can overcome your doubts and critical attitude. It’s worth the effort.