No chance to say goodbye
How COVID-19 has changed grief
OTTAWA — Erika Tiessen was 71 when she died of COVID-19 complications more than two weeks after she first entered the hospital.
An energetic grandmother who divided her time between Florida and a cottage near Kingston, Tiessen spent a few weeks every spring and fall in the home of her daughter Rebecca Tiessen, a University of Ottawa professor.
On March 28, Rebecca brought her mother, who was complaining of shortness of breath and gastrointestinal symptoms, to the Montfort Hospital.
Erika thought she might spend a few hours in hospital for a few tests, but Rebecca felt uneasy. She made sure her mother had her iPad, cellphone and chargers.
“I made sure my kids had a chance to say goodbye to grandma. People were going to the hospital, and that was it.”
Soon after she returned home, Rebecca also experienced mild COVID-19 symptoms. She and her husband were tested and found positive.
Rebecca, who is the only family member in Ottawa, was too much of a risk to visit her mother. Erika’s brothers and children spoke to her by phone on a rotating basis. Two days before her death on April 12, Erika was no longer able to speak.
“The hardest thing was not being able to see her when I knew she wasn’t coming home,” said Rebecca.
COVID deaths have created a landscape of bereavement unlike any other in recent history, leaving people struggling not just with grief but also with the knowledge that they were not able to hold their loved one’s hand or share a few last words, face to face.
Six days after Erika Tiessen died, former governor general Michaëlle Jean tweeted about the death of her aunt in a longterm care centre in Montreal.
“The family could neither assist nor accompany her in her last moments. The funeral services were responsible for cremating her remains. No farewell ceremonies. Confined in sorrow.”
The grief that has come with COVID-19 is a “very different grief,” said Susan McCoy, a former police sergeant who is now a grief and bereavement counsellor and the chair of Bereavement Ontario Network, whose members range from social workers and nurses to funeral directors and hospice workers.
“The difference here is that we are already grieving. We had lost the world we knew. We found ourselves at war with a virus that acts like a terrorist. You know what it can do, but you don’t know who it will strike, or when,” said McCoy.
“You have the traumatic grief of a sudden death. It’s sudden, it’s violent and you can’t be there. And when this happens, there’s unresolved trauma and grief that comes to the surface.”
At the same time, within weeks, many of the structures and rituals that have helped people grieve have been swept away under new funeral restrictions introduced by the province on April 14.
“All of these measures affect everyone, regardless of how the person has died,” said David Brazeau, a spokesman for the Bereavement Authority of Ontario, which administers the province’s Funeral, Burial and Cremation Services Act and its regulations.
The guidelines force families to decide where to send the body an hour after a death in hospital, or three hours for the families of those who die in long-term care.
Funerals and visitations in Ontario funeral homes are limited to 10 people, not including funeral home staff.
“It’s a real hardship for families,” said Brazeau. “And people have to practise physical distancing. They can’t hug or touch each other. It’s a big part of the grieving process.”