Pronouns matter to LGBTQ+ community
Mistakes happen but intentional misuse harmful
SYDNEY — Since the tender age of four, Veronica Merryfield knew she was a little girl and not the firstborn son her parents insisted on raising.
She was born intersex, raised as a male, and was well into her 20s before officially revealing herself to co-workers.
To cut any tension related to an incorrect reference to “she,” her proper pronoun, she devised a clever take on the ‘swear jar’ concept and had co-workers donate to a local animal shelter whenever the incorrect pronoun was mistakenly used.
“When I had my transition at work I knew it was going to be a problem because I went home on the Friday night and came back Monday morning,” she said during an interview as part of Pride Week coverage with the Cape Breton Post.
“The real reason for that is that it broke the tension. When everybody did it at work, they knew it was wrong and it is very easy then to get very apologetic or upset about it and create a tension.”
At her workplace in England at the time, the incorrect use of the pronoun was unintentional and that’s often the case. With no jar in sight, she advises others who make the same mistake to just apologize and move on.
There are cases of intentional misuse, however, even recently in Cape Breton when she was bluntly asked “what are you, a man or a woman or one of those transvestite things?”
Pronouns “gauge your identity,” she said. Incorrect use can be triggering and the devastating impact of that can be suicide, especially among youth.
“That’s why pronouns matter. The repeated denigration of individuals by using the wrong pronouns is going to head them down that road.”
Merryfield is open about the frustrating and often emotionally devastating road she followed before finding happiness.
There’s a story of her mom tearing off a blue dress she caught her wearing when she was just five. Work at a hospital after university gave her access to proper medical professionals and an MRI machine that offered a revealing scan.
And something not quite right about her birth records prompted an investigation that led to information about surgical changes when she was just a newborn.
Most of her realizations were on her own and dark thoughts came with them.
“I can kind of forgive (my parents) because in the 60s there was this kind of flux over what to do with intersex,” she said.
“What I can’t forgive them for is that at eight years old I asked for medical help for it and they refused and gave me the lecture about God doesn’t make mistakes. Now I know the truth.”
She mentors LGBTQ+ youth these days — any and all — who wish to have her time so that they do not have to go through such things all on their own.
“If somebody were to find me through the mental health unit I’d be there in 20 minutes. I’ve done that a few times in the last year,” she said.
“New people trying to find their feet, I’ll talk to them. Parents who have kids that are coming out, I do that too. I’m around, people know me, know where to find me. The more exposure I can get to that kind of thing, or exposure so people know I do that kind of thing the better.”
She also teaches gender and sexuality to students in the nursing program at Cape Breton University, has spoken with social workers and was recently contacted about educational outreach for healthcare workers.
Advising informed policy to places like Transition House and the Elizabeth Fry Society is also part of her upcoming agenda.
During Pride Week, a Cape Breton Partnership Zoom session on Aug. 6 at 10 a.m. will see her discuss inclusion in workplace training, including pronouns and why they matter. She’ll also host the Living Library for the third consecutive year.
Though much of Pride Week in Cape Breton will be online in 2020 due to COVID-19 restrictions, she said it still matters that it is marked and commemorated.
She said it’s a celebration of ‘who we are’ and a reminder of what has happened in the past.
“It’s a beacon of hope,” she added. “I see that on the Pride march itself when you have people standing at the side of the roads offering free momma hugs, free dad hugs. That’s huge. There are still people around who don’t have parental support, don’t have wider support who need to know that’s around.”
Pride Week is also a reminder that there is still work to do.
“The only thing we ask for is acceptance, to be able to live our lives. It’s still hard when you have pressure groups pushing for things like not being able to use the bathrooms, for instance.”