Intrusive parents, in-laws can break up marriage

Ellie’s Note to Readers: I urge you to share how COVID-19 and the news about it is affecting every relationship we have — with partners, children, parents, friends. Share your personal stories, how you’re adapting, and how you’re not, so we can find solutions for these unusual times.

Q - I’m a man, 34, who fell in love and got married. Everything seemed great until my bride was convinced by her parents that if we moved in with them, we’d save enough money to buy a house.

We moved in but were given little time or space on our own.

My wife slipped back into daughter mode and when the lockdown came a few months later, she and her mother just talked all day (her father shops and does the cooking).

She'd be exhausted when I came back from my work which was still an essential service.

In the evenings, I was stuck with her father's endless interest in TV re-runs and her mother's constant commentaries.

I told my wife about the frustration I felt as we lost the closeness we once had, but she said it was the pandemic affecting me, everything would be fine when it's over.

She obviously told her mother all this and the next day I got the lecture: “Our daughter needs us now more than ever! She'd be miserable alone in an apartment while you'd go to work.”

As if I was going there for fun.

I feel that our marriage has been sabotaged by parents who won't let go. What should I do?

— Lonely Groom

A - Tell your wife you need a private conversation during a walk outdoors. Just you two. Ask her what she sees for your future together.

If she thinks that living with family is a permanent plan, be open/firm that you do not.

Until the coronavirus is no longer a threat that demands restrictions, you two may not find it easy to afford a new place to live.

But she must understand that your marriage is also at risk.

It seems likely that if she doesn't see how intrusive her parents are and its effect on your relationship, that you two will ultimately separate.

Q - My youngest son, mid-40s, became very angry with me during a phone call nine months ago. His father and I had a very destructive 20-year marriage. During the following years, our mother-son relationship was almost destroyed.

His father told many lies about me. My son wouldn't let me explain my side.

Eventually, we connected and I believed the past garbage was over. Until that phone call when he screamed at me for several hours.

Meanwhile, my present husband had thought he was very close with my son. I finally hung up.

My present husband and I funded my son through college and provided emotional support to him during his own relationship issues.

Three years ago he met a new woman who I liked very much. They spent many weekends at our home.

I've not heard from either of them since, except for one short text message, replying to my questions about their wellbeing during COVID-19.

I'm trying to accept and get through the mourning process for someone who's still alive. It's particularly difficult during the need for isolation. — Handling a Living Loss

A - Friends normally gather to help someone mourn after a loved one's gone. There's usually a traditional, comforting process, related to your background, religion and culture.

But you're dealing with loss, grief and the unfairness of false charges from your son's father, with only your present husband to try to help you.

Get professional support, too (available virtually). If ever therapy's needed, it's when a parent loses a loved child to the mean, alienating lies told by a vindictive ex-partner.

Q - I’m a male, 25, living with a woman I met one month before COVID-19 isolation orders.

I returned home to visit and was working from my parents' place, though my actual job is located in an American city. My girlfriend lived alone and worked virtually.

We decided that I'd move in and isolate with her.

We get along brilliantly and share all the tasks and expenses.

Now, my American boss wants me to prepare for returning to home office in the fall. My girlfriend's unable to move there — no job offer, no visa, parents here.

Do I choose my job over my love?

— Lovers' Dilemma

A- This tough decision should be explored, not made instantly. The course of the coronavirus is still unknown.

If cases increase without a vaccine, you may not want to return to the U.S. But if borders open, try mutual visits. Ultimately, it's the strength of your love that'll decide your future.

ELLIE’S TIP OF THE DAY

Living with intrusive, takeover parents/in-laws puts serious pressure on a new marriage and may cause its breakup.