Living together is worth the wait
Q — I’ve been divorced for over three years with two teenage sons adjusting to all the changes.
I’ve worked in a largely male-dominated field (advertising) so it was easy for me to meet men. Also, my father, brother and my ex have all been ambitious businessmen, so I thought I had a clear idea of what to seek in my next serious relationship.
To my surprise, I’m attracted to a very different sort of man.
He works in a demanding field but is a social-minded thinker and cares about other peoples’ needs. His core values greatly appeal to me.
He divorced four years ago. He works hard and shares custody of his two daughters.
Due to the pandemic and resulting restrictions, we haven’t had much chance to experience what getting together as a couple would mean.
Between lockdowns we were able to bubble together with just each other over half a dozen weekends. Otherwise, we just chat online, write long emails, have even longer phone conversations.
Our kids met each other once, but we felt it was too chancy regarding COVID, since they also have bubbles with their other parent and school-related friends.
We love each other and both want this to be a permanent live-together future. How do we arrange during the pandemic to make this happen?
Or, is the coronavirus going to keep us apart too long to sustain our feelings when we have so little chance to develop them further?
Love Interrupted
A— You’re already on the right path. Your appreciation of your boyfriend’s values is an important factor towards a rewarding future.
You’ve already been doing the best you can under the circumstances while modelling for your children the respect/ trust you’re both bringing to this relationship. That should help in the transition to living together.
Be patient, that time will come. Meanwhile, your long chats and discussions on a broad range of topics, are a necessitated version of dating at this time.
There’s every sign here that you two will share the future as soon as possible.
Q — My friend who lives in another city recently lost his wife (a second marriage for both).
She was diagnosed with dementia 10 years ago and declined into Alzheimer’s disease. She died at 74.
I was sorry to learn over the years that while he informed her adult children that their mother was losing many capabilities, they rarely visited her.
A daughter and son live here, another son lives overseas.
When their mother’s condition worsened, her husband informed them that he was caring for her full time and asked them to visit her.
Only one visited and stayed less than an hour.
My friend eventually hired caregivers to help him keep his wife at home.
When she died, I read the local obituary written by the children. They thanked the husband briefly and related tales of their mom only from the past.
I feel disgust for them, having given no help to the man who kept her safe, cared for, healthily fed, and calmed when she became frightened and agitated.
What are your thoughts on my expressing my feelings to these cold offspring?
Disgusted
A— There’s nothing to be gained here but more bad feelings all around.
Instead, support your friend. Visit him if possible or contact him virtually. Listen to his story as he airs his grief. Encourage him to also talk about their good years together. That’s what friends are for in times of loss.
Q — My husband lost several family members, including his parents, this year. I’m wondering why some relatives haven’t called/texted/sent a card.
If they sent condolences to his siblings, they haven’t let us know. How do we tactfully ask if someone did so and addressed it to the whole family?
Since everyone has email/ text they could’ve sent a message to each sibling as we know them all. We always send condolences to our relatives individually.
None of us live close by. We can’t formally have a service.
Various family members informed all the relatives about the deaths. Is the etiquette now to just send to one person and hope they pass on the message?
Confused and Hurt
A— In a difficult year for everyone, etiquette’s less topof-mind. Without services, funerals, mourners’ gatherings, each loss is borne more individually than ever before.
Be the one to reach out, with a message of the parents’ passing and hopes for other relatives to stay safe.
ELLIE’S TIP OF THE DAY
With love, shared values, and children’s interests in mind, living together is worth waiting for during this pandemic.