When the game ends, depression can begin
Former soccer goalie breaks down stigma about mental health, Rob Harris writes.
LONDON On the training pitches at Arsenal is where Jason Brown feels at peace. Coaching academy players, the retired soccer goalkeeper feels unburdened.
“This is my distraction,” Brown, who played internationally for Wales and in the Premier League for Blackburn, said. “I honestly feel if I didn’t have this distraction (at Arsenal) I might not be having this conversation with you right now.”
Instead, Brown is hoping to combat any stigma still attached to those in soccer with mental health issues by speaking out about the depression that struck as his playing career came to an end in 2015.
Like many professional athletes, Brown revelled in the adulation of fans in packed stadiums and the elevated status he held in the community. He also craved the structure in his life: Training, rest, games.
“As silly and naive as it might sound, you never think there is going to be an end,” the 34-yearold said. “You never think when you retire what it is going to be like.”
Then the limelight faded. No longer was there a routine to follow. And the psychological issues mounted for a player who said he previously never encountered symptoms during his professional career.
“I suffer from depression, and it’s nothing to be embarrassed about,” Brown said. “I’ll never be cured.”
Now, it is about trying to cope. A few months ago, Brown felt he could not while in his car on an expressway outside London.
“That probably was the lowest I was … the first real time that I made an attempt to actually, where I considered just killing myself,” Brown said. “I was so down. I was driving along the M1 and I put my foot down and I didn’t take my foot off. And I then I realized it’s not only me I am going to be hurting but possibly others. That was a real low, low day in my life.”
It was also part of accepting that he needed professional help. Later, while sitting with his counsellor in October, came a profound and important moment in his post-playing life.
“It sounds crazy. I still had the mentality: ‘I am a footballer,’ ” Brown said. “It didn’t sink in, and one day it did sink in, sitting with my counsellor … and I realized I am no longer a football player anymore. It was quite surreal because all I have known and seen myself as is a football player.”
Brown isn’t alone. It’s just that few soccer players feel comfortable publicly discussing depression or even seeking help in private. England’s Professional Footballers’ Association is trying to break that taboo, hoping to convince their members that talking about mental health problems is not a sign of weakness but of strength.
“We want to change that mindset,” said Michael Bennett, the PFA’s head of welfare. “It’s important for players to talk about the emotional side of things.”
Welsh players, including Brown, had to deal with the distress after national team manager Gary Speed’s body was found hanging in 2011. A coroner later ruled there was insufficient evidence to prove Speed committed suicide. In 2009, German goalkeeper Robert Enke ended his life by stepping in front of a train.
“We, as football, have a duty of care,” Bennett said. “We spend a lot of time on the physical aspects of things for the players. I think we need to spend more time on the emotional side. If a player has emotional issues, it doesn’t matter how fit they are mentally — if they are not in the right place, they can’t perform.”
And times are changing. Bennett points to the outpouring of support and sympathy last year for sexual abuse victims he helped. They received private counselling through the PFA and support in their decision to waive their anonymity to raise awareness of the crimes going on in soccer and the suffering of the abused.
Going public with mental health problems is not an obligation, with the PFA assuring members of complete confidentiality.
Brown turned to the PFA after searching for help online at 3 a.m. one day while struggling to cope. His depression was exacerbated by the breakup of his marriage as he retired from playing and the death of his father.
“You become very paranoid. You become very anxious. You don’t know who to trust,” said Brown, a father of three. “It got so bad … I didn’t sleep for five days.
“I wasn’t eating. I lost a lot of weight … I went on this crazy health kick that you would probably associate with someone who was anorexic.”
Brown has a message for active and retired players needing help with their emotional well-being and coping with life after their playing careers end.
“Don’t feel that you are weak. It makes you far from weak,” Brown said. “Someone who is willing to admit they have a problem is stronger than any type of person who is preparing for a competition.
“With my depression, what I’m trying to make people aware of is: Don’t be ashamed. There are more people who have depression … you can live with it.”
It’s led Brown to a job coaching Arsenal’s emerging talent.
“My work colleagues are very supportive,” Brown said. “I openly speak about everything I have been through because that’s part of my job and what I want to do — try to help people.”