DON’T FORGET TO NURTURE YOUR ADULT RELATIONSHIP
It requires some discipline, but planning time together after baby arrives is critical
There was a time, not too long ago, when mothers weren’t really given their due.
Looking after babies was not considered a job, and mothers were expected to raise their children and do everything at home — cooking, cleaning and running the household.
Indeed, much of the work women do is still taken for granted. Things are far from perfect.
But in general, in Canada and much of the world, I think mothers are finally getting the respect they deserve.
Looking after a newborn is widely acknowledged to be one of the most difficult things in life. Mothers are cared for and supported and their mental and physical well-being is — generally speaking — valued and prioritized.
And we deserve it. Moms kick ass day in and day out, balancing kids and work and the home But how about dads? In my mom group, the dads are a very popular topic. What it’s like to be them. How they often bear the brunt of our stress and frustration. How they’re coping with being new parents. How they’re balancing being very hands-on dads with working long hours.
Because, while these dads are still expected to hold it down financially while we’re on maternity leave, they’re expected to do their fair share of daddying, too. So they should be.
But are their support systems as good as ours? Are they allowed to complain? Do they have dad groups to open up and share with?
Are their stresses and struggles acknowledged? I’m not so sure. The moms in my group happen to be in heterosexual unions, but the same issues apply to samesex couples, too, whether that’s two dads or two moms.
Here are some of the things we worry about: 1
I remember vividly when Indiana was two or three days old, thinking to myself how much love and affection I’d been showering the baby with, and how I hadn’t really held or hugged or complimented my husband in as many days. That reverted back toward normal, but I know that we spend less time on each other now that the baby’s arrived. It’s a reality of parenting.
When my husband comes home from work, all I want to
do is hand him the baby ASAP. I need — and deserve — a break. But what about him? He, too, has been running around all day — working long hours, chauffeuring the older boys to and from school and to and from their afterschool activities.
Where’s his break? 2
One night, when Jesse and I were having a bit of an off-day, he told me that he didn’t feel like there was any space for him to be sad or mad or overworked. I was the new mother, and my needs and stresses were very real. There wasn’t room for him to have a bad day while he was being my rock. 3
My friend Jessica recently told me, “Everyone told me how to breastfeed, nobody told me how to love my husband well.” She’d found herself angry at her husband for no good reason, probably a result of out-of-whack hormones, she thought. 4
Other mothers I know told me that after holding and cuddling their babies all day, they didn’t have a ton of physical affection left over for their partners at night.
I don’t have the answers to all these conundrums. But it’s my hunch that prioritizing your relationship, even and especially when baby arrives, is a good start.
Peter Silverstone, a professor of psychiatry at the University of Alberta, agrees.
He says it’s critically important to maintain an adult relationship with your partner, even when you’re focusing much of your attention on baby.
Two of the best ways to do that, he says, are making sure that kids have an early enough bed time for you to spend time as a couple, and scheduling a weekly date night.
Leaving your child with a babysitter can be daunting if you don’t have family around, and Silverstone stresses that everyone will feel ready to leave their baby at a different time. But the time does come. “Usually by six months, the baby is in a pretty stable routine, and often by three months,” he says. “And once they’re in a stable routine, that’s a sign you can do this.”
On the physical side, even though people find it unromantic, Silverstone says that planning to have sex is a healthy reality once you’re busy with baby.
He also suggests scheduling other physical contact.
“Let’s say twice a week you are going to massage each other’s backs for 10 minutes. It should not lead to sex, that is not the purpose. The purpose is physical intimacy.”
Overall, he says, babies shake things up. A lot.
“When a couple has a baby, their dynamics change. And not always in predictable ways.”
So, how will my husband and I navigate that? I can get on board with all of the doctor’s orders.
And, we’re also trying to communicate better. And have empathy for one another.
And understand that raising a child is difficult in different ways for both partners, and that we both need space to express emotion and receive emotional support as we watch our children grow up.
It doesn’t take anything away from the super-womanness of moms.
But dads deserve their due, too.
Everyone told me how to breastfeed, nobody told me how to love my husband well.