MOMS NEED TO TAKE A BREAK FROM THAT GUILTY FEELING
Mom guilt is so hot right now.
Moms talk in parks and on Internet forums about it. A plethora of books and articles have been written on the subject.
Hollywood even tackled the topic — Bad Moms, starring Mila Kunis, which came out last year (spoiler alert: she wasn’t a bad mom).
It’s not just moms, either. Dads feel guilt, too. And for both sexes — from my admittedly nonscientific observations, at least — it often seems to be triggered by a sense of inadequacy around performing their traditional gender roles. (Moms feel bad for not spending enough time with their children — dads feel bad about not providing enough for their children.)
Even as those traditional roles are shifting, both parents feel the need to be everything at all times to their kids. That’s tough.
I don’t buy into the idea that when you have a baby, you’re supposed to give yourself to him or her 100 per cent of the time, 24/7. Kids absolutely come first — almost all of the time. But just because I prioritize their needs over my own, doesn’t mean that I shrink back into servitude and forget that I, too, am a human being with goals and dreams outside of my family life.
And so, I don’t feel guilty for dropping Indy off at my gym’s child-minding a few times a week. I don’t feel guilty for getting a babysitter once every week or every two weeks so my husband and I can go out. I don’t feel guilty for Indy’s occasional sleepovers at my in-laws or for the two weekends I’ve spend away from him.
I will never be the mom who makes handmade, organic baby food from scratch. I will probably never sew Indiana a Halloween costume. I’m totally OK with that.
But I do carry around my share of mom guilt and step-mom guilt. I feel guilty when a couple days have gone by and I haven’t read to Indy and I tell myself that I will not miss a day anymore. I want him to love reading, like I do, and be like the babies I see on my Instagram Stories feed who wake up and run to their bookshelves and read in their rooms, shunning technology for a love of literature!
I feel guilty that we don’t spend more of our days together just sitting and playing and working on his development. When we’re at home, there always seems to be another chore to do, or a freelance thing, so I’m often plopping him down with his toys or strapping him into his jolly jumper and then doing a load of laundry or firing up my laptop.
With my older step-sons, the guilt is more intense because I’m more unsure of my performance, having missed the first few years of their lives.
I feel guilty if I raise my voice — I feel guilty when I nag them too much about picking up after themselves and keeping the bathroom clean. I oscillate between confidence that being slightly stricter is good for them in the long run, and guilt that maybe I shouldn’t expect so much from them and just be the cool, chilledout step-mom. We have a oneweek-on, one-week-off schedule with their mom, and at the end of our week with them, I inevitably tell myself that next week I will be kinder, cooler and more easygoing.
But are we too hard on ourselves?
Jason Jones, registered psychologist and parenting expert, says that parenting guilt is nothing new — but that certain societal trends may worsen it.
“It’s always been around, but it’s manifested itself differently. When there were mostly stayat-home moms, they would self-regulate each other, so their expectations would come from friends and their parents and family members,” said Jones.
“Nowadays, what we see on social media is the big difference. We’re putting this stuff out there, and publicly shaming each other sometimes. So, people are posting things like, ‘Oh, I just made this birthday party for my kid and it’s perfect and everything is from Pinterest.’ So, we are sharing expectations through social media posts that implicitly say what everybody should expect.”
Jones says that feeling guilty has become “part of the culture” of being a mom. The expectation is that you’re never good enough, so you self-deprecate in order to fit in with the group.
Super messed-up, right? Well no, and yes.
“Guilt is an important emotion,” explains Jones. “Guilt is there so we can learn from our mistakes. There needs to be an appropriate level of guilt and learning that happens from that.”
On the other hand, we shouldn’t allow that guilt to get out of control.
“There’s a line where it becomes an inappropriate amount of guilt and that can turn into shame. So guilt being, ‘I didn’t do well on that one thing,’ and shame being, ‘I’m not very good at this.’”
So, what to do? Jones says that the things we feel guilty about often come from our own baggage. “Every time you’re feeling guilty, there’s an opportunity to look inward and learn about yourself,” he said, recommending the book Parenting From the Inside Out by Daniel J. Siegel.
Jones also recommends staying true to yourself, even if the trend among your fellow parents is to engage in negative self-talk. He also stresses the importance of remaining authentic as a person and a parent.
You might not be the mom who is head of the PTA or who has a home-cooked meal on the table seven nights a week (I’m not). That’s fine. Be true to yourself, remember the other countless amazing things you do, and you don’t have to engage in the selfdenigration.
Don’t let yourself be shamed by anyone, especially by an Internet post. “Social media really is just a snapshot of what we might want people to hear about,” said Jones.
And while Jones acknowledges the importance of guilt in our parenting lives, he also advocates giving yourself a break.
“Is there anything that we as parents typically feel guilty for that we shouldn’t feel guilty for?” I ask.
His response?
“Yeah, well, pretty much everything.”