CHALLENGE OF RAISING BOYS TO BE GOOD MEN
My in-laws have six grandchildren, all of them boys.
My husband and his siblings are all parents to boys-only, and Jesse is responsible for half the brood.
My family and I often say we were meant to have boys because we’ll do everything we can to make sure they are kind, sensitive and loving. And, if they are heterosexual, they will have healthy relationships with women.
The flood of sexual misconduct and assault allegations against Hollywood studio head Harvey Weinstein and the ensuing #metoo campaign has opened up a much larger conversation about the culture of sexual harassment and abuse we live in.
I’ve read countless stories online from women I know and women I don’t about the everyday acts of sexism and harassment women face. None of it is remotely surprising, but seeing it all at once is deeply troubling.
And so, I’ve been thinking a lot about our boys. In our house, we try to push against stereotypical norms of masculinity and boyhood as much as we can. In both my stepsons’ houses (their mom’s and ours), we work hard to teach them kindness and respect are preferable to aggression and dominance.
Six to eight hours a day, however, they’re away from us, being influenced.
I worry my kids will start to think of “female” as lesser. I worry the presiding ideas of what it means to be a man will make them think of women as objects to be had, rather than people to respect and befriend. I worry they will soon become aware of their male privilege and not want to give it up.
So, how do we set about raising sweet, young boys to be kind, respectful men? The men who will create safe, inclusive spaces for women and anyone who may not fit on the gender binary?
In the New York Times bestseller Season of Life, Jeffrey Marx tells the story of Joe Ehrmann, a former NFL star and current football coach. Ehrmann thinks we’ve erred by praising boys for their athletic prowess, their popularity with girls and their earning potential. Instead, he advocates that his athletes focus on being good humans first, with empathy, integrity and accountability.
The need to rethink masculinity is echoed by many leaders in gender studies.
Michael Kehler, a professor of masculinity studies in education at the University of Calgary, advocates challenging the gender binary from a young age.
“I remember being in the hospital with our children and I immediately thought about this idea. ‘Why do we need pinks and blues as binary? It creates a polarity between us and them — who’s going to win and who’s going to lose. It always has to be this competition.’”
Kehler’s babies, he says, wore yellow. But he recommends a lot more than dressing your boys in neutral colours.
“The first step is for us, as parents, to ensure a level of consistency in our approach to pushing back on the traditional notions of masculinity,” he says.
“You can’t, on the one hand, promote and encourage love and caring for individuals, and then the next day show them how to fight. You need to be consistent in the messaging.”
Boys will be bombarded with messages teaching them to be aggressive, oppressive and domineering. Instead, we should be encouraging — and modelling — alternate behaviours.
So, what’s so wrong with a boy who adheres to traditional ideas of masculinity? What if your boy is strong, athletic and commands a room?
There’s nothing wrong with that, Kehler says, as long as they know that isn’t the only way for boys and men to be.
“You can raise a boy to negotiate different kinds of masculinities,” he says. “Part of which might be athletic and competitive, but also understanding the importance of respect, caring and loving. Raising a boy who is able to, in a different context, reconfigure himself in a much more fluid understanding of masculinity.”
Kehler talks about the importance of dads showing emotion in front of their sons.
“We have to, in our daily lives, demonstrate to our sons that it’s OK to be sensitive, to express openly your vulnerabilities.”
All of that, he says — that slow and consistent work that starts when they’re babies — goes a long way to making men who view women as equals, instead of their polar opposite or their lesser-than.
“If we can change the culture of masculinities so that boys see that you don’t have to be one way, then we allow them to think about rejecting those aggressive stereotypes or rejecting those dominating ways of being boys where they take up airspace, where they spread themselves out in a classroom.
“(We should) work hard at saying, look — you can have a conversation with a girl or woman and it doesn’t need to be to ‘get with her;’ you can have relationships with other people because they’re your friends.”
Though my husband and I need to check our own biases at times and keep consistency in mind when it comes to messaging, I think we’re mostly on the right track.
When they were little, Jesse made up a saying for the boys to recite each night before bed. We’ve let it slide in the last year or two, but we’re ready to revive it:
“I’m kind. I like to share. I have a big heart. I treat people with care.”