Dispatches from a Civil Trade War
A satirical look at where trade war could go
Selected Dispatches from the Civil Trade War
As found in the Alberta Provincial Archives, circa 2075 (With apologies to Ken Burns)
18 January, 2019
Dearest Eliza,
I write you en route to Lloydminster, which I hear is a great conflagration. Where once stood great pillars of unity stand pillars of strife. It’s been back and forth fighting there for weeks, and along the road are countless burned out pickups, their licences plates blackened and unreadable. We’ve attached to their 3rd Edmonton regiment, tough Mill Woods boys, and we plan to take it to the Saskies.
Sometimes, my mind wanders back to the start of this damned trade war, and it feels as if it was a dream. I remember that night at Cactus Club, you were checking your phone and read the news of Saskatchewan’s aggression. Surely, though, peace and labour mobility would prevail? We were so young, then.
Eliza, I don’t know how this will end. Perhaps one day Albertans will be able to drive vehicles licensed in this great province onto public works projects on Saskatchewan’s fertile soil. Perhaps one day, road contractors’ associations from Alberta and road contractors from Saskatchewan will break bread, having built great bands of asphalt across these prairies.
Until that day, Eliza, I am, ever yours, ever Albertan, Ryder McLean
8th Terwillegar Regiment
March 20, 2019
My own dear Ryder,
Here in the capital, we are doing our best to support the war effort. But I confess, even with our Tweeting circle and our Facebook bees, it can be grey and weary work to keep up our spirits, and to raise the spirits of those of you in the field.
Since Saskatchewan cut off all potash supplies to Alberta, many of our fields and crops have withered for lack of fertilizer.
(And how I miss the sweet juicy taste of watermelon — you can find them not on the Save-On and Sobey shelves. It’s considered quite unpatriotic to sell or eat anything so rudely resonant of Rough Rider redolence. No more watermelon margaritas on the deck at Julio’s Barrio — we drink only Alberta craft beer now.)
But the worst is the rats. Oh, how we took for granted our lives in a rat-free Alberta. We were so smug, so naive. When the Saskies let loose those tens of thousands of rats on our borders, we were unprepared. We had no defences. Now they are everywhere. In farmers’ fields. In the bulk bins at the grocery store. Hiding among the arugula leaves at the market. Only the coyotes are happy, as they prowl the empty bike trails, on the hunt. (Papa calls them our rat patrol.)
Hurry back to me, my darling. May you breach the Wall and return safely to Wild Rose Country and your own Alberta girl, Eliza Wasylyshyn
April 5, 2019
To: Brian Mason, Minister of Provincial Defence, Deron Bilous, Minister of Trade From: Derek Fildebrandt, MLA It is no secret that we have had our political differences in times past. But as we are hard-tested by these flatlander protectionists, it is imperative that all Albertans stand together. United Liberty for all.
I know you have questioned my loyalties. It was indeed I who shouted “Invite Premier Wall here! Invite Premier Wall!” at Rachel Notley in the legislature.
But believe me, pray, when I say this. Never did I mean that I wished for Saskatchewan to launch this War of Eastern Aggression. Do not take me for a secret Saskie sympathizer. If ever I was, I am no longer. I aim to prove my mettle by leading the gallants of the Brooks Brigade through the Cypress Hills and over the border.
PS: My Edmonton apartment is vacant, should you need to billet soldiers there.
Many academic tomes have been written on the causes of the Great Alberta/Saskatchewan Trade War.
Some have blamed it on a simple clash of personalities between Alberta’s premier of the era, Rachel Notley, and her Saskatchewan counterpart, Brad Wall. Others have blamed economic factors, ranging from Alberta’s craft beer policy to its lack of a sales tax.
Few historians believe the ostensible trigger for the fight, the accusation that Alberta government work sites were banning Saskatchewan contractors, had any basis in fact.
If only we could travel in time, to December 2017, to tell the provinces’ leaders how absurd their quarrel seems, with the benefit of hindsight. Alas, there’s no way for the better angels of our nature to fly backward. We can simply hope that in an alternate timeline, things never got nearly this far.