HOW TO SHOW SUPPORT TO SOMEONE WHO IS GRIEVING AFTER LOSING A BABY
Misunderstood loss can leave one feeling isolated, writes Amanda Ross-White.
The hockey world has been devastated by the sad news that Ottawa Senators defenceman Erik Karlsson and his wife, Melinda, have lost their baby.
She was expected to deliver mid-April, but instead of planning a joyous delivery, the young couple find themselves planning a funeral. None of us, least of all young, healthy couples, expect such an outcome. What can you say or do for someone when faced with the most devastating loss of their lives?
It is estimated that as many as one in four pregnancies ends in a loss, most of which are in the first trimester. In Canada, one in 125 pregnancies ends in a stillbirth, which is defined as the death of a fetus in utero beyond 20 weeks gestation. Approximately the
same number, one in 125, lose their baby in the first 30 days of life. For many populations, such as Indigenous and immigrant women, obese women and women who have their first pregnancy after age 35, the rate is higher.
Most pregnancy information downplays these numbers in a misguided belief we don’t want to frighten women. This can leave couples feeling blindsided when the worst happens, and means they often lack the support from a caring community that understands their loss. To support someone who has lost a child, we need to be able to talk about it.
I’m someone who knows about stillbirth all too well. My twin sons, Nathaniel and Samuel, were stillborn at 36 weeks. I also experienced recurring miscarriages as I tried to get pregnant again. While I can’t say I know what the Karlssons are going through, because I did not have to grieve in the public eye, I can tell you about my own experiences and about what research shows about pregnancy loss.
Women who have had a stillbirth report that their baby is not treated like a baby, but rather like some sort of taboo object.
When I tell people that I’ve written a book about pregnancy after a loss, they quickly change the subject because it makes them uncomfortable. Parents are discouraged from sharing pictures of their baby, or saying their baby’s name.
People openly will tell bereaved parents that their child “wasn’t meant to live,” or that stillbirth is just part of “natural selection.” Some people will even tell them to forget their baby and get pregnant again, as if babies were just interchangeable.
Given how common this loss can be, it is surprising that most of us don’t know what to do or say when faced with a friend who is grieving. If you know someone who has lost a baby, there are many things you can do. Most of them are simple things, but they are important, and too few people take the time to do them.
Say their child’s name out loud. Erik and Melinda Karlsson named their son Axel. I named my sons Nathaniel and Samuel. Giving them a name and saying it out loud recognizes their importance. Don’t worry about whether, by mentioning their child, you’ll make them sad. People who are grieving are already sad.
Throw out your timelines about grief. Many workplace bereavement policies offer only five days off for the death of a close family member. Some people will suggest that grieving should take a year. The reality is that people grieve in their own way and in their own time.
How we grieve, and how we express that grief is a function of many factors, from our culture and religious beliefs, to our personalities and gender expectations for how we should behave.
For myself, I continued to actively grieve long after the first year was up, as I continued to try for a child. Each miscarriage was another reminder of the sons I had lost, and at my failure to be a mother. While I eventually had a successful pregnancy, my daughter was probably close to a year old before I felt whole again.
Even now, 10 years since the death of my sons, hearing about the Karlssons brought me right back to the moment I gave birth to them, in a dark and desperately quiet delivery suite.
Don’t give up on grieving parents. Continue to call, text or visit, even when they don’t feel up to it. Some days they may not want to leave the house. Some days they will be so lonely. Sending small reminders that you still care about them and want to include them in your lives means a lot. It can be traditional things, such as cards or flowers. It can be less traditional things, such as texts or messages. Donate to their favourite charity in their child’s name. Whatever you choose, it will be up to you to take the initiative.
Remember the special days. Anniversaries and holidays are hard. It is harder when no one wants to talk about your child. The Karlssons have a couple of important dates coming up in the near future: their son’s due date and Mother’s Day. Letting a grieving parent know that you support them through these tough days helps.
Because my sons were born on the 23rd, my aunt would send a message letting me know she was thinking of them every month on the 23rd. Having her remember even when the rest of the world forgot made me feel so loved.
It can be hard to know what to do. If in doubt, acknowledge that you aren’t sure. The only truly wrong thing to do when someone loses a loved one, especially a baby, is nothing.