13 ACCEPTABLE REASONS FOR YOU NOT TO TEXT ME BACK

1. You are dying. 2. You are dead. 3. There has been an unexpected apocalyptic event, rendering all wireless communication impossible. 4. There has been a kidnapping (yours). 5. There has been a kidnapping (your phone’s). 6. You have drunk that potion that priests give out in Shakespearean tales that makes it look like you’re dead but actually you are just very asleep—like more asleep than you’ve ever been. 7. Your phone fought a battle with a toilet and lost. 8. You are on James Cameron’s tiny submarine, and there is no signal down there. 9. You’ve actually texted me, like, eight times; they’re not going through because you’re in the subway and honestly it’s really stressing you out because you want to talk to me so badly. 10. Someone cut off both your thumbs. 11. Someone cut off both your thumbs and threw your phone in a river. 12. A witch placed a curse on your family: If you try to text me, everyone you love (including me) will die. 13. None. n