13 AC­CEPT­ABLE REA­SONS FOR YOU NOT TO TEXT ME BACK

Elle (Canada) - - Humour -

1. You are dy­ing. 2. You are dead. 3. There has been an un­ex­pected apoc­a­lyp­tic event, ren­der­ing all wire­less com­mu­ni­ca­tion im­pos­si­ble. 4. There has been a kid­nap­ping (yours). 5. There has been a kid­nap­ping (your phone’s). 6. You have drunk that po­tion that priests give out in Shake­spearean tales that makes it look like you’re dead but ac­tu­ally you are just very asleep—like more asleep than you’ve ever been. 7. Your phone fought a bat­tle with a toi­let and lost. 8. You are on James Cameron’s tiny sub­ma­rine, and there is no sig­nal down there. 9. You’ve ac­tu­ally texted me, like, eight times; they’re not go­ing through be­cause you’re in the sub­way and hon­estly it’s re­ally stress­ing you out be­cause you want to talk to me so badly. 10. Some­one cut off both your thumbs. 11. Some­one cut off both your thumbs and threw your phone in a river. 12. A witch placed a curse on your fam­ily: If you try to text me, ev­ery­one you love (in­clud­ing me) will die. 13. None. n

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