Self-reflection for the straight

How are we doing with the plank in our own eye when it comes to sexuality?

How are we doing with the plank in our own eye when it comes to sexuality? By Rod Wilson

Urgent debates related to sexual and gender minorities – our LGBTQ2 neighbours – seem to be going on all around us in Canadian society as well as in Christian circles. These questions and struggles are really important and deserving of in-depth wrestling that draws on biblical, theological, psychological, cultural and policy resources with wisdom and discernment.

What might we learn if those of us who are straight applied Jesus’ parable about the speck in our neighbour’s eye to this area of our lives?

Would it not be more consistent with God’s call on us if our biblical and theological reflections as well as ministry reflection and practice focused not just on LGBTQ2 experiences but also more intentionally included heterosexual struggles as well?

COMPLEXITY

It’s easy to make assumptions about the sexuality of others. If they are married to someone of the opposite gender, we assume they must be fully heterosexual, engaged in a fulfilling sexual relationship and have no struggles in this area.

But when we really get to know them, we often hear straight people, including Christians, are actually struggling with:

• A lack of education on various aspects of sexuality and sexual function

• Relating in overly sexualized ways to the opposite sex

• Engaging in compulsive fantasy, pornography, masturbation and lust

• Having no outlet for sexual expression

• Pursuing emotional and sexual affairs

• Procuring prostitutes for sexual pleasure

• Sexually abusing others through an abuse of power and trust

• A marriage that is in a psychological divorce or has no sexual expression

• Participating in insensitive and abusive sex with a spouse

• Practising marital sex in a purely physical way with no emotional attachment.

Public and private discourse on other peoples’ sexuality can sound straight

forward and easy. Such declarations often fail to acknowledge and articulate that our sexuality is complex and intertwined with who we are historically, spiritually, physically, emotionally and relationally. Any discussion about the sexuality of others will be impaired if we’re not able to be honest about our complex selves.

PROJECTION

Projection is a defence mechanism we use to avoid uncomfortable feelings and impulses within ourselves. When we struggle to deal with our own internal issues, it’s easy for us to turn our focus outwards and become preoccupied with those issues in others.

This is why it should not surprise us that sometimes those of us who spend a lot of time focusing on others’ sexual behaviour – personally, pastorally or in the pulpit – may be inadvertently coping with our own internal sexual struggles.

JUDGING

When we find ourselves saying “I would never do that” about someone in a judgmental way, we miss the key ingredient in Christian spirituality – humility.

Sometimes I hear Christians waxing eloquent on other peoples’ sexuality, straight or otherwise, and I wonder if they ever fear self-deception.

Jesus’ metaphor on the speck of sawdust and the plank is found in Matthew 7. His first concern there about judging others is that we need an awareness of ourselves. If someone else has a small bit of sawdust in their eye and we go after it with a large dose of self-deception, we will miss the large piece of wood in our own eye.

Paul expresses a similar conviction in Galatians 6:1, when he outlines how restoration works. Restoration should be gentle and characterized by “watching ourselves, or you also may be tempted.”

The tone and quality of our judgment of others is directly linked to our self-understanding. Augustine said it well: “David’s fall should put everyone on guard who has not fallen . . . and save from despair those who have.”

IDENTITY

For some of us who are boomers and traditionalists, we are now being confronted with a myriad of cultural messages on gender identity. We are puzzled when pronouns are up for discussion, not sure how to respond when a man or a woman wants to be a “they.” This invitation to see gender as fluid creates confusion.

As we work through our own consternation, let us not forget the messages we received on gender. What did it mean to be male and female when we were growing up? We had names and negative categories for boys who were into the arts and not into sports, and girls who pursued engineering and not nursing. This generation is not the first to struggle through what it means to be a woman or a man.

Brené Brown, a social work professor at the University of Houston, speaks directly to these inappropriate gender stereotypes in her book The Gifts of Imperfection (Hazelden, 2010). She suggests women have to fight the cultural message that being a real woman means you are thin, nice and modest. Real men are told they need emotional control, a focus on work, control over women and the pursuit of status.

Sadly, many Christians and churches, while speaking disparagingly about the gender confusion in contemporary culture, continue to propagate many of these gender stereotypes and even link them with biblical precepts. We too need to examine what it really means to be male and female.

WITNESS

In the last decade many Christian groups have taken a stand on LGBTQ2 issues. Those who have not done so are criticized from all sides – from the right because they are not adhering to biblical truth and from the left because they are not practising inclusivity and hospitality.

As the secular culture looks on, personal sexuality seems to have become the litmus test of what it means to be a follower of Jesus. In many places this is the primary platform in our current witness.

While there is no question that Jesus addressed sexuality, it would be hard to read the four Gospels and come away with the sense that this is the foundational concern of His teaching and ministry. To draw that conclusion would be to ignore His focus on the poor, prayer, money, hospitality, Kingdom, relationships, justice, religiosity and the like.

How might this be worked out in Canada in 2020?

• Followers of Jesus could speak out in support of Canada’s current prostitution laws, and communicate that the demand for paid sex is untenable.

• The fight against sexual abuse in homes and churches could be led by Christians who prize the dignity of the human person.

• Churches could develop a reputation of being leaders in the struggle against pornography, which is a battleground for all forms of sexuality.

Should we be including a greater range of sexually related subjects when we seek to be a witness to our culture?

MIRROR OR WINDOW?

All of this makes me think of a photo my wife once took outside a Welsh pub. As you look through the window, you can see the lights in that establishment. But that same window also functions as a mirror, reflecting the building behind the photographer. It is not either window or mirror. It is both.

As we peer through a window that exposes others’ sexuality, let us be aware of the same window functioning as a mirror revealing our own sexual issues.

We too need to examine what it really means to be male and female.