Know when to trust your gut feelings
I met my soul-mate seven months ago.
He comes from a different culture, with many fascinating traditions. Example: He said that in his culture, a man takes his loved one into the garden and shows her his crown jewels. We’ve been living together for over four months and have yet to make love. He believes we must be friends first. I’ve always made love with men and became friends later, so it’s a new situation. Friends suggest maybe he’s secretly gay, or that I’m too old for him (I’m 64, he’s 49). Is there something wrong here?
— Confused
Being friends first usually comes before living together as a couple.
He’s more of a roommate, but that’s clearly not what you thought you were getting.
He’s stalling sex for other reasons and you need to know what they are.
By this time, you already are friends. Think through what he’s gained by living with you accommodation, security, and access to finances? Then think through what you really want from him love, sex, trust?
If the lists don’t balance, what he’s offered is more a crock of excuses than a cultural tradition.
Insist on answers or a break.
Three years ago my brother committed suicide, my boss died, and two close employees
passed away, all within six months. I had a nervous breakdown, escaped to drugs, booze, and sex. One drunken night I cheated on my then-husband all completely out of my character. I gave up my 19-year marriage and my family and kept abusing myself. Everyone tried to get me help except my best friend of 30 years who enjoyed having someone to party with. It wasn’t until someone I met online raped me, that I hit rock bottom. When I told my best friend about it, she went out drinking with my ex (separated but still sharing our house) and I caught them having sex that evening. The next day I quit doing drugs, having unsafe, risky sex, and started getting weekly counselling. A psychiatric assessment concluded that, due to my sudden losses, I experienced a personality disorder that causes someone to change in order to escape. I continue with my therapy. But I fear (irrationally) that my former best friend will steal my son. She works at the same place as me. I still have so much anger towards her. We’ve avoided each other, but recently she entered my office area to visit with one of my employees. My office is my only safe haven at my workplace (a big institution). I feel violated and baited. How do I stop being triggered when I see her? I wonder when I won’t be afraid she’ll take more away from me.
I lost people through death, but also lost my son every other week, my two best friends (her and my ex), my dog, my home, my in- laws, my ex’s nieces, and nephews. And friends have taken sides.
— I Lost Myself
Your son is with you on a regular basis, so how you spend those weekends, and every activity together, are rebuilding your connections.
Also, frequent contact and conversations regarding his interests, friends, and schoolwork, will keep your relationship consistent and meaningful to him.
Your ex-friend cannot replace you in his mind or heart. Your therapist should be helping you to explain your breakdown to him in an ageappropriate way he can handle.
Once he’s got it, rely on therapy, time, and your growing strength to help you move on past anger and fear.