Break the cycle with your children

I’m 32, married and the mother of two young children. The more I love and nurture them, the more I realize what an awful mother I had.

She was self-absorbed, cold, interested only in her social life and appearance. From earliest childhood, I was with babysitters or on my own a lot, even when she was home. She hasn’t changed her old ways - still always attentionseeking - yet she does claim to love my kids, and that provides benefits for them and me. She’ll buy them big items we can’t easily afford, pay for us to join her on vacations, foot the bill for a pricey pre-school (then bragged about it to her friends).

Naturally, the children think she’s great.

But when I recall her disinterest in me, and see that she’s still manipulative and self-serving, I worry that I’m accepting a deal from the devil. Am I holding onto resentment from the past or making a mistake to accept her gifts now?

– Conflicted Mom

Yes, you are holding onto past resentment, and you may be making a mistake if you take the goodies without putting limits on their emotional cost.

This dilemma has brought back old feelings of abandonment. Professional counselling will help you focus instead on what’s currently appropriate for you, and for your children’s relationship with her. Something to consider: Pleasing your children and giving gifts to you too, may be the most turnaround that your mother can do. So long as she isn’t making unacceptable demands in return, it’s possible for you to be watchful, but not closed off. Think through each offer of her generosity. Set boundaries.

TIP OF THE DAY

Watch that your past relationship with your mother doesn’t repeat with your kids and their grandmother.