Finances and money can be tricky topics

Our adult son’s our only child. Our daughter-in-law, whom he married eight years ago, had a well-paying job and was ambitious.

Our son also had a good job and they managed a nice lifestyle on two incomes, helped considerably by our giving them the down payment on a house for their wedding gift.

His wife’s now taking advantage of the affluence my husband built up through years of hard work.

She stopped working when pregnant with their third child. My husband then started covering half of their mortgage payments plus extras.

He pays any vacations or special needs, too. The only thing she manages is her own spending money, which I guess is from savings (we don’t dare ask).

It’s not that we can’t afford to be generous. But I resent my daughter-in-law’s assumption that she’s entitled to this support.

Is it too late to change this pattern? How can we keep helping out in our grandchildren’s lives without feeling that we’re being used?

– Fed Up

You “don’t ask” and your son doesn’t tell, leaving a huge gap in communication about money.

That’s a serious problem because finances are a sensitive topic and expectations and realities have to be clear. But remember that raising three kids IS work; so don’t dismiss your daughter-in-law’s contribution.

You’re currently enmeshed in paying towards this couple’s life.

You both have a right to know what are their expenses, where there’s a shortfall, and when and if your daughter-in-law plans to earn again. Arrange a meeting letting them know what you’ll ask in advance. Decide ahead what ongoing support level – if any - is comfortable for you, and what feels over-the-top. Meantime, set up education funds for your grandchildren, so that you know their future schooling’s secured. Consider it an investment, not a handout.