Severe depression requires professional help

I’ve been dating a lovely man for several months. It’s a long-distance relationship with regular contact.

I’m developing a career, raising teenagers, and have a full plate. I’ve told him that I love the relationship but I’m currently at the top of my game.

He’s prone to bouts of pretty severe depression. I love him; this isn’t a deal- breaker for me. However, he’s doing nothing to get help, and I appear to be his only emotional support. I’m finding this draining while I’m juggling all my other demands. I “want” to be there for him, but can’t be on call for him 24/7 just because he’s depressed and I’m comfortable/ familiar.

I’ve voiced my support of his getting help locally but he has all kinds of reasons why he can’t do this.

Is there any hope for this relationship? I hate giving up on someone I care deeply about, but I’m starting to feel more like his therapist/crisis counsellor than his girlfriend.

– Feeling Bogged Down

Proceed carefully, or you’ll either break the relationship off in a moment of feeling emotional overload, or you’ll get drawn into his lows to the point of exhaustion.

Be clear: If he doesn’t seek professional help, you can’t be his back-up plan for venting.

“Severe depression,” if that’s an accurate description of his bouts, is a mental health disorder that calls for diagnosis and treatment, which may involve medication and therapy. Say that you’d be doing him a disservice (and yourself too) if he doesn’t get proactive about managing depression. It’s affecting the relationship, not only him.

Don’t let the long-distance situation and your busy life have you thinking this will “work out” at some point without his addressing his own mental health.

FEEDBACK

Regarding the brutal exhusband showing up at his exwife’s family functions (Feb. 10):

Reader: “I believe he still wants power over his ex-wife, getting satisfaction from knowing she’s uncomfortable.

“I also believe his adult children still seek acceptance from him. If the wife doesn’t want him there, she should hold the family function at her own home and exclude him. “When the children experience a function without him they’ll finally feel peace without the bully being present.”

Ellie: The ex-wife’s marital past was of terrible abuse to her and her children. Once divorced, he “spoiled” the children, so their attitudes are complicated. The daughter’s hostile to her mother.

The writer had recently detailed some of the abuse to her relatives and adult children, which created more problems, even 23 years after her divorce. She has decisions to make about attending or missing future family events (many are not at her house).