Judgments reflect relationship fear

Q– I broke up with my boyfriend of 10 months because I felt my feelings weren’t strong enough.

When I was with him, I felt like I could be completely myself with him and weird, and he was totally accepting of me. However, I was really judgmental of him. I thought that he bowled weirdly, and I hated that he ate with his mouth open. Sometimes he talked too much, or his jokes weren’t funny. I’d focus on these small things. They affected what I felt for him. I’d have a great time on the date and then have doubts all the next day.

He mostly has the qualities I want in a man - he knows how to have fun, he likes to try new things, he’s open-minded, and incredibly intelligent. His sense of humour was also improving.

I don’t know if I fear relationships (this was my longest). I think about him a lot and wonder if I did the right thing. He wanted to work through my doubts, but I couldn’t see a future if I felt them every day. Still Wondering About Breakup

A - After much description of those “small things” wrong with your ex, you describe a pretty appealing guy.

But you never use the “L” word, as if you’ve blocked love from your relationship concerns.

Your “doubts” appear to be more about you than him, because you focus on annoyances that can easily be overcome, e.g. his “sense of humor” is already improving.

Consider the influences on you of others’ relationships (parents, siblings, close friends). Then consider why you’re so judgmental about this guy whom you now seem to be missing.

Re-examine your expectations, confront your fears, and, if there’s more appealing about him than annoyances, summon the courage to try again.

Q - I’m 32 and believe in personal contact with meaningful friends on social media.

But recently, a girlfriend of ten-plus years started keeping me at arm’s length, always using text.

Almost weekly, I’d invite her out to a movie or come over for dinner, etc. These used to be our common practice but I started getting “I have to clean tonight” or “I have no money,” etc.

I finally called her on it after she told me she couldn’t do anything until her trip to THAILAND is paid off! Seriously? Not even a cup of coffee? She said she’d see me soon at our mutual friend’s out-of-town wedding.

She’d asked to bunk with my husband and me (we agreed).

I said I felt used for a cheap hotel room since she couldn’t get together in the last three months.

She said the importance of a friendship isn’t defined by time spent together.

I said friendship also isn’t defined by repeated text messages saying you’re too busy.

Am I wrong to cut her loose? I once really valued our friendship.

Fed Up

A – It’s unclear what’s left to value here. She thinks textonly communication maintains friendship, you don’t.

Yet, there was a former friendship that worked well. And in these past years, social media platforms have become the common connector for many people.

She may not have realized you saw it as a barrier.

And she left out of her texts her real reason for avoiding outings - financial stress and created a barrier between you.

This upcoming wedding will reveal whether you two can re-connect comfortably, or the shared hotel room was what she was really after.

You’ll know then whether to cut ties or accept her texts as continuing contact.