Keep fleeting attractions in perspective

My male co-worker of several years and I hit it off right away.

He started working with me six months before I started dating my now-husband. He had a girlfriend (now his wife).

During the brief period that I was still single, he made flirtatious comments to me.

I was too nervous or immature and walked away then. He never told me his feelings outright.

Five years later, I’ve realized I’ve had feelings for him all along.

I see him occasionally outside of work and we always have the most amazing time.

I still love my husband, but I desperately want to tell my friend I still have feelings for him five years later.

I also want him to tell me the same. I don’t want to break up my marriage. What should I do?

– Five-Year Secret

Instead of trying to light a fuse, put this bomb aside and look at your marriage.

Lots of married people have some fantasies that turn them on, e.g. the flirty guy at work, but they don’t all have affairs.

Yet, that’s exactly where asking about “feelings” can take you. What follows is discovery by your husband, his pain, your humiliation, and possibly a break-up. That’s not what you want, if you truly love him. But you may need more in your relationship, of appreciation, affection, sex, laughter. Work on making those things happen before you risk not having a chance to try.

Ask nothing about your coworker’s feelings. See him less outside of work. It’s great to get along well. Not so great to break up his family either.

Besides, if he doesn’t have feelings for you, it’ll be mortifying to have asked.

FEEDBACK

Regarding the man who wants to cut ties with his parents (March 24):

Reader: “I’m a woman in my mid-40s, with a relatively good relationship with my parents, having cut off one sibling seven years ago. Our relationship involved psychological torment and abuse that affected me and my parents, who wouldn’t acknowledge its effect on them, me, or our relationship.

“Ending it without further discussion with my parents was empowering and life-changing.

“The consideration of later regret should always be weighed, but must be balanced against a healthy living situation.

“This man’s wise to end contact with his parents, if he feels it’s better to live without the pain than endure it based on some fantasy of a happy family which he knows will never happen.

“Or else, he might regret that he wasted so much time and energy on a hopeless situation where he was always suffering the most and feeling powerless.