Understanding is the first step

Five years ago, my younger sister (47) stopped talking to me. She won’t answer my phone calls and answers messages with curt responses.

Our argument, over email, was her accusing me of two very hurtful things which I didn’t do.

I’d told her she was out of line making terrible accusations without first speaking to me to learn the truth.

I’ve not been a perfect sister but I don’t deserve this treatment.

Previously, we spoke regularly, spent all holidays together, and I included her in all our family gatherings.

Now, she’ll have contact with my adult daughter but not me. We came from an abusive alcoholic background, which may’ve had an impact. I see her pattern of envy and a very dysfunctional way of dealing with conflict. It’s happened before and wasn’t warranted then, either. How do I attempt contact with her or is my sister relationship over?

– Frustrated Sister

You have understanding, insight, shared history, and personal will, so the answer is up to you. There are some people who’d say, “She’s toxic to me. I’m finished with her.” Well, this column has seen truly toxic relationships and this isn’t one of them.

You accept that you haven’t been the perfect sister. You know that the dysfunctional background you shared has affected both of you deeply (abuse, alcoholism, anger). You’re hurt but you don’t want the relationship to be over.

So tell her that being sisters still matters to you. Tell her that you’ll always tell her the truth about what she hears, so you two can keep connected and not let others drive you apart. Of course, you could stand on principle instead, and insist on her apologizing before resuming any contact.

But you already know she can’t handle doing that, because you do understand her.

Break into her silence. Tell her you miss her. If it works, it’s worth it and what you obviously prefer. If not, you’ll know you tried.