Sometimes family isn’t really ‘family’

Something extremely hurtful happened three years ago and I can’t let it go.

My mother passed away. We’d fought two years before and could never make up, despite my many attempts.

When she passed, my five siblings, nieces and nephews, were with her in the hospital.

For weeks I’d been contacting my siblings to see how Mom was doing. I still loved her. She actually spent two weeks dying in the hospital but they all said she was fine and led me to believe that she was at home.

I didn’t learn she’d passed until afterwards.

When I asked why I wasn’t informed, my siblings said that she didn’t want me there.

I can’t believe that. I was her daughter.

Wouldn’t she have wanted to say goodbye to me and me to her, despite the fight?

I wanted to say I was sorry and tell her I loved her. But I was denied that! I think my brother who lived with her called the shots and they listened to him.

Now two siblings want nothing to do with me.

The others only check up on me once a year, which I’ve ignored.

Should I acknowledge them or keep them out of my life?

– Hurting and Angry Sister

How terribly mean-hearted of whomever assured that you were denied that chance to apologize and express love to your dying mother!

And how weak and thoughtless for others to go along with it.

I can’t help wondering if there wasn’t an ulterior motive related to finances, e.g. your mother’s house and assets.

That said, I understand that your pain is not about money. But your question IS about being denied an equal place as a daughter when your mother and you both needed to find peace and forgiveness.

The family members who’ve shut you out deserve no time from you, in person or in thought.

But the ones who check in do perhaps care about you. Respond. Ask about your nieces and nephews. Having even one person respond as true “family” may help you put the pain behind you.

TIP OF THE DAY

Relatives who purposefully lie and exclude you from a dying parent’s bedside aren’t “family” to you.