Beware of ‘secret’ love

I started dating my ex while she was separated. Our chemistry and connection were amazing.

Her husband was verbally and emotionally abusive. She also had a very rough childhood that included traumatic experiences and a dysfunctional family.

We quickly became very close. I was emotionally invested with her.

Yet, after a while, we broke up and she returned to her husband. We kept contact via social media. I realized how much I loved her and felt she was my soul mate. She reciprocated the same feeling, saying that she’d ask for a divorce.

This affair lasted over three years. I knew it was wrong but I hung in because of my feelings for her.

Recently, I started regretting that I was in a cheating affair. I expressed that, and asked if she felt this was wrong.

I said that I’ve been waiting for her to start her divorce and asked when she’d begin.

She said that she has low self-esteem and no self-worth because of her life experiences and social status.

I reassured her that I’d share my life with her but I wanted her to stop the cheating and get separated.

I’ve changed my whole life for her and now she’s said that because her husband is ill, things are different between them and she isn’t considering divorce. Maybe after 15-plus years with him, along with their having two kids, she’s been conditioned to think it’s okay to be that way.

I said I couldn’t continue like this and don’t understand why she’d rather continue cheating.

Now I regret that I lost the love of my life. I can’t believe she wouldn’t value the love we had enough to do the right thing. How can I get over her when everything around me reminds me of us?

– Distraught Ex-Lover

You see this story as a lost great love. I see it as this woman having played you far too long.

She may’ve once had the will to separate but then she returned to her abusive husband and stayed with him.

She opted for an illicit affair with you, and decided it’d never become anything more. Some might say she was too scared to start over or risk losing her children. That’s possible, but leading you on for three years was dishonest and emotionally cruel. You proved your loyalty and sincerity. She only proved willingness to take advantage of your deep feelings.

It’s hard to accept now, but she did you a favour. There’s no healthy future with a person who keeps playing both sides. Move on and don’t look back.

Last year, my family and I spotted an ice-cream store with a lineup out the door.

I only wanted a coffee so walked to the cash register, past the people at the counter. In between customers, I asked for a coffee, paid, and left. My teenagers were mortified that I avoided the lineup, and called my actions rude. Should I have entered the line with the other customers to wait to ask for a coffee?

– Uncertain

I know you’d like me to note how efficiently you obtained your coffee with little delay to the waiting customers. And I can empathize with impatience, which I sometimes feel myself.

However, you were rude. We teach children to not butt in. But you did.

The parents waiting in line with their kids surely found you rude. It wasn’t a great example for your teens. Tell them so and apologize.