State legal rights to absent, silent spouse
Q : I’ve been with my husband for 15 years, married for ten. In January, while I was pregnant with our fourth daughter, he decided that I’m not what he wants anymore.
I believe it has something to do with a girl he met through work.
He’s denied this. He said he hasn’t been in love with me for years, which is very confusing and hurtful.
He won’t come home or talk to me about anything. Our kids miss him terribly, yet he doesn’t seem to care despite saying he loves them.
I found a receipt for $500 worth of women’s clothing. When asked, he said he was too drunk to answer and has avoided the topic since. He doesn’t seem interested in discussing things and fixing them
Am I foolish for holding onto the idea of reconciling our marriage?
— Stonewalled
A: You’re holding on to a “maybe,” without any assurances about your future or that of your daughters.
Learn your legal rights if he doesn’t start any discussions with you.
I’m not suggesting that you proceed to a divorce. That’s ultimately a decision for you two to make.
But little gets a spouse talking sooner than being told about financial support obligations and child custody matters.
He may be involved with a coworker.
Or, he may be depressed and/ or drinking to excess, hiding from his responsibilities. What matters now is this: Keeping your life, and that of your children, as stable as possible under the circumstances.
Getting legal information will give you the understanding of what you have to do, even if he tries to avoid that talk.
Counselling for yourself and the girls may be needed.
Q : My girlfriend of one year was born and raised in Canada to parents who emigrated from India. We’re in our 30s.
We’ve met each other’s immediate family members and had some discussion about possibly getting married once she’s more established in her career (she has an advanced degree).
My issue is dealing with cultural issues. In certain neighborhoods of our city, she won’t hold my hand, lest we encounter her extended family or family friends.
She fears the gossip that’ll result. Apparently, there’s some unwritten form of social expectation on females in her culture not to engage in obvious public displays of affection or signs of being in a relationship, unless engaged or married. We’ve run into three of her cousins, when we’ve been out dining or shopping. Though nothing was said to suggest that we’re more than friends, things were clearly awkward with the eldest of those cousins. My girlfriend was extremely concerned all three times, that the gossip would get back to her immediate family. But it did not.
How can I help my girlfriend tackle her fears of being seen publicly in a relationship by her extended family and family friends?
— Awkward Sightings
A: This won’t be the only cultural difference you two have to navigate as a couple.
It’s not just up to her to “tackle her fears,” and not just up to you to help her get over those fears.
If you’re planning for the long-term, start devoting some of the short-term to learning about those cultural differences, discussing them, and understanding why some hold great importance to families, while others seem less significant.
Respect for elders and traditions rank high in her culture. Also, her parents and older relatives still see themselves as immigrants and are uncomfortable crossing cultural lines. Showing your interest and understanding will greatly allay some of their concerns.
Q : I’m a veteran teacher whose former student became a co-worker.
She viewed me as a mentor, we developed a limited friendship, but no longer work together.
Along with other co-workers, we occasionally meet for lunch, dinner, or happy hour. However, she broke up with a serious boyfriend and tries to increase time with me. She’s repeatedly appeared uninvited at my house, though I’ve directly said No, due to family and school obligations. I’ve encouraged her to date again, stating that hanging out with a married older woman with teenagers won’t help her meet guys.
I empathize with her loneliness. However, she ignores advice and my attempts to limit her texts and calls.
— Pushing Friendship
A: Her neediness suggests she’s lacking family support and close friends. Suggest meetup. com for new like-minded friends and possible dating.
Distance slowly but kindly. Don’t ignore every text, just say you’re too busy. Same with phone calls.
If depression’s apparent, suggest a doctor’s checkup.
TIP OF THE DAY
Absent spouse won’t discuss the future? State your legal and financial rights/needs.