No point in revisiting relationship

Q : We dated for almost a year; I’m 38, he’s 37. I began to believe I loved him. He’s smart, funny, hard working, responsible, and our sexual connection was the best I’ve known.

He’d been badly hurt by his ex after a long relationship, so was wary about being too romantic. I finally said that I loved him, but he didn’t say the same.

He lives an hour away and works long hours.

I saw him less and less, and getting together became about his needs for sex and sleep.

I realized I’d be waiting for commitment that would never happen.

So I ended it. He was silent for weeks, and only occasional howare-you’s these past six months.

Recently, he’s been messaging me, wanting to get together. He wants me to visit him and the hints are about sex. Months ago, I might’ve gone. But I’ve started dating someone I like, and I feel very conflicted. Do you think he’s missed me? Could he have had deeper feelings for me than he knew or showed?

— Second Chance?

A: He misses the great sexual connection you had together, which is unsurprising as it’s a powerful feeling when it’s that good.

But no, it’s still all about his needs, not about re-booting the relationship to a romance.

Unless he very quickly lets you know that he’s now wanting to enjoy loving emotions in his life, you’ll always be a supplicant, waiting, wanting and feeling denied.

You made a healthy break months ago, and now you’re involved with getting to know someone else.

Hopefully, you’ve learned your own needs are equally important and won’t settle.

Q : My ex and I were divorced seven years ago but have maintained a cordial relationship. When necessary, we even attend dinners and barbeques at each other’s homes.

My six sisters, who consider my ex their seventh sister, continue to have a close relationship with her.

When a nephew recently announced his engagement, I hosted a celebratory dinner. He told me that night that if I wanted to bring a guest to the wedding I had to first get my ex’s approval for it (she’s also invited).

No such condition was placed on two of my sisters who are divorced and have partners.

I’m my nephew’s only uncle. I have a significant personal and professional profile/reputation, and my presence at the wedding would therefore be quite important.

I’m miffed at the ridiculous condition he’s placed on my bringing my partner.

I’m thinking of only attending for the first 45 minutes (a culture-specific traditional wedding ceremony, the reciting of the formal vows, and signing of the wedding register).

I’d be missing what would otherwise have been a joyful dinner reception with lots of dancing and merry making.

Am I being too harsh?

— The Only Uncle

A: It’s possible that your ex was actually the one to raise this condition, and insisted that your nephew issue it.

Otherwise, if you’ve dined together (and your partner’s been present?) and since your sisters aren’t treated this way, it makes no sense coming from your nephew alone.

If I’m correct about this being her attitude, you need to talk to her directly and/or to your sisters.

The unfairness is inarguable. Should there be more to the issue, someone needs to explain it.

If not, it’ll affect your attitude towards all of them and affect the family relationship. In my opinion, this isn’t about your reputation socially; it’s about your closest relatives.

— Tell them so.

Q : I’m a male, 54, housebound, (agoraphobia), living in my mother’s basement.

She gets my groceries weekly, leaves me alone, but formerly visited with me once monthly. Because of her harsh treatment, I asked that she not bother anymore, leaving me totally alone for over five years.

I contact her through email. I’ve requested her company again, but she stonewalls me.

Is it abusive to be left alone for 14 years?

I can’t make friends. She says it’s my choice to be alone. — Depressed

A: You need professional help. Agoraphobia usually refers to a fear of being in crowds, and feeling helpless with no escape, causing anxiety, or panic attacks.

According to the respected Mayo Clinic, “Ötreatment can be challenging, but with psychotherapy and medications, you can escape the trap of agoraphobia and live a more enjoyable life.”

Find an anxiety disorder support group online, plus call a therapist’s helpline (posted online) to seek help.

TIP OF THE DAY

Past good sex isn’t reason enough to resume a relationship that remains emotionally distant, unless there’s evident change.