A ‘surprise pregnancy’ is about more than you

I’m 38, divorced for eight years. I want a child and a husband. I date a lot, but so far no luck.

I’ve been casually dating someone for a month. We had sex, the condom broke and I think I’m pregnant. I want to keep it, with or without “Mr. Keep It Casual.”

I come from a very traditional and religious upbringing. My parents will be devastated if I’m pregnant out of wedlock.

But I’m getting older and don’t have many years left to meet someone, fall in love, get married, and then have a child. How do I approach this with them?

I love them dearly and am so afraid they’ll be hurt by this.

– Not So Casual

Think about the potential child’s best interest at least as much as your own.

If this is a true pregnancy, it’s not just between you and your parents.

There was a man involved, too.

Your desire to hold onto the pregnancy is natural and, for traditional parents, your raising the child or having the infant adopted may be far more acceptable than terminating the pregnancy.

But can you handle raising the child of a man you know little about?

Despite his dating attitude, he may actually want to be involved if it’s proven to be his child.

You don’t know his health background, attitudes toward child-rearing, etc. which may become relevant matters. You may have to share childrearing and financial matters in which he has an equal say, if he insists on acknowledging he’s a parent, too.

If your pregnancy test proves positive and you’re still sure you want this child, start thinking positively.

Tell the father, first, so you know what to expect, or not. Then tell your parents of your love and respect for them and what terrific grandparents you know they’ll be.

I’m a woman, 69, who met a man, 72, online. We’ve been in a loving relationship which we agreed had possibilities, whether living together or marriage.

We live in towns 90 minutes apart by car. He’s an avid golfer.

We usually spend weekends together or days when he’s not golfing.

I understand how important this is to him.

Several months ago, he announced that had we met ten years earlier, we’d be married. But now he wouldn’t want to live with anyone as he’s been alone too long (12 years, just like me).

I was taken aback, but didn’t overreact.

My reaction was to pull back, opting for weekends with my family, seeing him less frequently, and taking a monthlong holiday trip.

Since I’ve been gone, his messages have been more loving than ever. He’s even suggesting that golf is just to kill time until I’m back.

– That was a surprise.

I love him and am confused. I don’t want to break up, but don’t want a future living apart and only planning weekend visits that don’t interfere with golf.

We haven’t spent more than three days together so I don’t even know if we’d be compatible.

Do I go forward in this relationship? How?

– Crossroads

Suggest a week-long trip together.

Once together for that time, you’ll know whether he has personality aspects you can’t tolerate long-term, e.g. self-absorbed, argumentative, etc.

If not, you should both be relaxed and able to discuss the future more equitably, not with you just accepting his decision, nor distancing from him. You’ll both know whether you’ve been on your own too long to adapt. Or not.

FEEDBACK

Regarding the teenager who lost her “first love” (August 30):

Reader: “She sounded very clingy and controlling.

Her boyfriend must’ve seen early that he must end the relationship.

“I’m disappointed in the assumption that sex was all his doing.

“Maybe she initiated it or was just as eager as him. “With all the sexual freedom and openness around for decades, you assumed that sex for young people is always the man’s selfish idea.”

Ellie: I agree that some young teenage girls are as eager/curious about sex as young men.

They’re often also more emotional about it, which he must’ve seen, too.

Saying he “lost feelings” for her so soon after having sex, was self-serving and insensitive.

Especially since he returned after two weeks.

He was out for sex as was she, but he had the indifference of his youth. She did not.

As I wrote, neither of them was ready for a relationship.

TIP OF THE DAY

When considering a “surprise” pregnancy, the best interest of the child is as important as yours.