Be open or be on guard

My boyfriend and I moved in together a month ago.

I picked up his phone and opened a browser and he was looking up personals on Craigslist for women.

I then discovered he was a member of over three open sites.

I really love him but I need to know if this is normal or do I need to end it now even though it will hurt?

– Upset

You snooped and found. Something prompted it: curiosity or a suspicion?

You can rationalize this “discovery” with maturity, by realizing that, after only a month of the commitment to live together, he hadn’t gotten around to clearing his contacts with dating sites.

In that case, you could ask him if he’s cut off connections with personal dating ads, and dating websites, as (presumably) you have done.

If he says Yes, you have a problem which you created. You’d have to either trust him, or snoop again.

OR, you could admit to him right now that you found this on his phone and you want reassurance at this still-early stage that he’s not still seeking other women through those sites.

Otherwise, you’ll be checking up on him repeatedly, which is no way to keep a relationship. Is an interest in other women “normal?” Of course. But that doesn’t make it acceptable to a partner with whom someone’s agreed to start sharing a life together.

Tell him so.

Finding appropriate help has been overwhelming and incredibly discouraging.

Please recommend some individual members of the Association for Marriage and Family Therapy and/or Psychologists. I’m having issues rooted in developmental health (Aspergers’) that are wrecking havoc in my marriage, which has

nearly collapsed.

– Desperate

While I cannot name and recommend particular specialists, your pursuit is personal, and the right questions can only come from you.

When you contact professional associations of marriage counsellors or psychologists, be clear about your particular needs and concerns. Example: Of different approaches that therapists apply to marriage therapy, what’s best for your situation?

Ask about costs and time involvements.

Contact your local Aspergers Society, too, for guidance on how developmental health problems affect marriages. Support groups are also helpful, especially regarding changes to watch for during a lifespan with someone with Aspergers.’

The Society and the specialist who’s made the diagnosis can direct you to local support groups.