Change requires agreement
My wife of ten years is from China; I’m a Canadian who doesn’t speak or understand Mandarin. It’s a second marriage for both; she’s 47, and I’m 66.
Several months before our wedding, her parents arrived to look after my stepson, so we could have a honeymoon. My then-fiancÈe warned me that her mom would periodically fight with someone over something minor and not talk to the “offender” for days or weeks. Three weeks before the wedding/honeymoon, she wanted to leave over something, but it only lasted days.
My father-in-law, a wonderful man, is 77, his wife’s 71. They now stay with us for eight months, returning to China during winter. Recently, my mother-in-law disagreed with my wife for discarding some aluminum foil and walked out.
Her husband followed her 15 minutes later and they were gone for hours in -9 degrees Celsius. I called the police. They finally returned, five hours later. Also, we’ve been asked to become guardians for my wife’s niece, 14, to come here for a better education.
Apparently, her parents are always fighting. My father-inlaw feels ours is a good stable home (my step-son’s excelling at university, I’ve raised three daughters successfully). My mother-in-law wants to go home and her husband doesn’t. This latest issue is the worst yet. I want to say that we’ve both had enough of this.
I’d prefer this couple visit us for four weeks, twice annually. I’m feeling 50/50 on a commitment to the niece.
– Disruptive Visits
If you and your wife agree that you’ve had enough of the dramas, scares, and prolonged visits, it’s essential to become firm in mutual resolve that there must be a change. You two have a right to set boundaries for visits that affect your own lives directly.
But you’ll need counselling help. There’s Chinese family honour involved here, plus your having accepted this long visiting regime for some years. Also, your mother-in-law is an expert manipulator.
Yet, the more serious concern is the teenage daughter. If her parents’ fighting is that disturbing to her well-being, they need to address that.
The grandfather has good intentions but they shouldn’t only rely on you. If you agree to it, you and your wife would need to be committed to keeping her for the school year through high-school at least. Make your decisions together, first. If you’re not prepared to raise another teenager ñ already troubled and a stranger to the country and language - consider other options, such as summer holiday visits to give her and her parents a break. The decisions are yours as a couple, no one else’s.